"I was embarressed for you..."

I have posted before how my mom thinks my IF should be a huge family secret. I do not. I openly talk about it to anyone that what to know.

I kind of feel people out and share a level that they are comfortable with.

Anyway - we had a HUGE BBQ last weekend. Of course my meds are in the fridge (follistim, cetrotide, ovidrel - all injectables). I did not hide them, I just left them where they were. I really did not care if anyone saw them.

But, I do have to say that I put away (and hid) my sharps container.

I noticed that the meds were moved, but did not really think anything of it becuase there was lots of stuff in the fridge.

We go for dinner at my mom's today and we start taking about the bbq - she said to me, "I saw all your meds in the fridge and I hid them because I was embarressed for you"

What? You were not embaressed for ME- you were embarressed for YOU!

Besides, do you really think people would look in the fridge, see the meds, write down the med name and then go home and google them? And even if they did - who cares.

If I did not want people to see them, then I would have hid them.

I have decided that I do not talk to my mother about IF anymore. I decided this a while ago - she was the one that brought is up out of the blue about the meds.

Started Injectables

Last night was the first night of injectables. Piece of Cake!

I am starting on 100 units of Follistim, and will add Cetrotide later after stimming for a few days.

Here is my schedule so far (subject to change based on progress)

CD3 - b/w and u/s: Done (Monday)
CD5 - b/w only (Wed)
CD7 - b/w and u/s to check any follie growth (Friday)

After that I really have no idea. CD9 is a Sunday and CD10 is Labor Day, so if I need to be seen on either of those days, then I need to travel the almost hour ride to the main office. Since it is the only office that is open on Sunday and Labor Day, I am sure it will be packed. The office I go to is a smaller office, and is not open on weekends.

So, we will see how that pans out. I know the cetrotide prevents premature ovulation, so I am really not too worried about possibly not going back in for monitoring until CD11. I know injectables are different, but I triggered on CD11 for my last IUI.

Here is everything I am taking (or will take) for this cycle:

Follistim - injectable medication: Started with 100 units on CD3. This med works directly with the ovaries and should not produce the same side effects as clomid (YAY!)

Cetrotide - injectable medication: Will start based on blood work this week. This med prevents premature ovulation

Ovidrel - injectable medication: This med triggers ovulation and will be given once my follies are nice a big.

Folgard - oral medication: I was recently Dx with MTHFR, which is a gene mutation that prevent the proper absorbsion of folic acid. This could possibly be the reason for my recurrent pregnancy loss. The research on the link between MTHFR and m/c is up for debate though. I take 2 pills once a day. This is in addition to the normal pre-natal vitamins that I am taking.

Prometrium - vaginal medication: In the past, I have had low progesterone. This medication increases progesterone and although it is a pill, it is inserted vaginally.

Wow, that is a lot of meds just to get and stay pregnant. I know on IVF cycles, the med list is even longer!

Today is CD1

Today is 5 weeks 4 days post D&C and I am happy to say that today is CD1. I will still holding out hope that this would be a break BFP cycle - but I guess I am not that lucky.

I guess all you have to do to get your period, is buy a 2 pack of expensive pregnancy tests. Obvioulsly I could use them in the future, but I really wanted to be able to use this this time around.

But - setting aside the fact that I did get my period, I just figured out that it is GREAT that I got it when I did. If I got it next week, then this cycle would more than likely be put on hold. My husband is going away Sept 10, 11, 12. So, if I got it any later, there would be a good chance that he would be away during the "prime" time.

I don't think timing will be an issue at all because CD14 would be 5th, a whole 5 days before he has to leave. I have never ovualated that late on a medicated cycle. In fact, my IUI have actually been on CD12 or CD13, so I am PRAYING that timing is not an issue.

We are doing injectables this cycle - plus Flogard (meds for MTHFR), I just hope that injectables do not mean late ovulation.

From what I have read, most do not ovualte later. I will go to the RE on monday for CD3 monitoring and also to talk about the effects of the MTHFR.

It is weird, when I was there last week (Thrus) to give them my new insurance info, I joked "I hope I see you soon" I was hoping it was going to be for beta, but I will still see them soon, but for a new cycle.

I am just excited to get this cycle started YAY!

Infertility bumper stickers

Yesterday while driving home I saw one of those oval bumper stickers. You know the ones. They are 2 or 3 letters that are a (sometimes) weird abbreviation of a tourist place. It is like a "been there, done that" type of thing.

Most of the times I have no clue what town there are for. I of course know the ones that I have been to. I first saw OBX (Outerbanks, NC) way back in 1999. Colin was 4 yrs old and we went on a huge group trip to a beach house on OBX. Since then, I have seen them everywhere.

Anyway, this is the one I see driving home - and of course I can only think one thing

Yup - I only think "Timed Intercourse"

So, I thought, "heck, we should have these stickers for infertility - that would be cool".

So, here is my Infertility Bumper Stickers (click on them to see them bigger)

From Left to Right

Intra Uterine Insemination

In Vitro Fertilization

Infertility (Sucks)

Unexplained Infertility

Injectable Chick

Clomid

Trouble Trying to Conceive

Adoption

Femara

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

Male Factor Infertility

Miscarriage Survivor

Infertility Miscarriage Bracelet - My take on Infertility's Common Thread

You can read all about Infertility's Common Thread on a previous blog post. But, I thought I would change it up a bit to reflect a m/c as well as IF. Both suck, but having to deal with both of them TOTALLY sucks. So, I wanted to have one piece that represented both.

I went to the store and bought some beads. I looked for a charm that had tiny feet on it but really did not find anything. I was not looking to spend loads of money. I just wanted something inexpensive that I could do myself.

Even though the common thread color is supposed to be pomegranate, I thought the red was close enough. I added 2 sections of pink and blue beads to represent the two babies that I have lost. I also added the butterfly as I have heard that it is a symbol of fertility.



They really are nothing fancy. Just beads on a piece of elastic. But, I like it.

I have lots of extra beads and even some extra butterflies. If you want one, I will make you one and send it to you for free. Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail at makeitgrandetc at yahoo dot com.

Maybe it will be a conversation starter. And like I have said before - Conversation Breeds Awareness.

Conversation Breeds Awareness

I was watching Miami Ink last night. There was a touching story about why a man was getting a certain tatoo.

So Sad, his daughter was kidnapped and murdered by a convicted child molestor. He was going from state to state to increase the time served for such offenders - tying to prevent the same from happening to another family.

The story was very upsetting.

He spoke during his tatoo (I am sure not the whole time - it is edited) and spoke really calmly even though you knew it was hard to talk about.

At the very end, the tatoo artist said, "thanks for telling me about the meaning of this tatoo" (or something like that). the guy said, "Conversation breeds awareness"

I love it - and it so true.

I have always been open about all aspects of my life. I never have a problem talking about being a single parent, infertility, and any other piece of my life. You want to know something - just ask.

And unlike my mother (see posts below) - I WANT to talk about my infertility. It really does bring awareness to others that so many women (and men) are dealing with the hardache of infertility. 1 in 6 women suffer. One is six......that is A LOT!

If by me talking about it makes people more aware, then maybe they will share that info with other people, and it will seem like less of a skeleton in the closet type of "secret".

Achy Ovaries

I have a cyst on my left ovary. The doc at CD3 said that it looked like it was going away on it's own and that it was probably one of the "smallies" (not big enough to be a follie) that just did not actually ovualte.

So, I have no idea if a cyst should cause any pain, but I have had this dull achy pain in my left side (ovary area).

I guess the pain could also be from the clomid - clomid makes ovaries go into overdrive, so maybe that is it.

But, this is what keeps going through my mind (totally not rational at all).

I had a dream that I had two ectpoics at the same time. I posted about this on my other blog about a week or so ago.

When the doctor called, he just said, "this was not a successfull cycle" - I am assuming that the beta was zero.

So, put everthing together -
1- not sure if beta was actually zero
2- really weird period (see post below)
3- pain in ovary

Yup - I over think things way too much. I know it is not an ectopic pregnancy, I am sure my doctor would have told me if it was not a zero beta, periods are sometimes weird.

So, I am sure everything is fine - but maybe I will take a HPT when I get home. Just for piece of mind.

OH - this is GOOD NEWS:
I am on CD7. I took clomid day 3-7 so today is my last day. I have not had any side effects at all. I hope I am not jinxing myself. But, the last few times, I had bad headaches and visual spots in my vision. NONE!!! of those things - Yay!

I think this cycle is a bust

I like to test early. I have explained my theory on this several times. But, so far I have gotten negatives. By 12 dpo the last time, I already had a positive pregnancy test.

I know, I know - I say it all the time. You are not out until a negative beta. I would love to follow that advice myself - but I really doubt this will be a successful cycle - which I am fine with. I just want to move on if it is negative.

I am on progesterone so that probably means that I will not get my period until after I stop taking it. So, I have to wait until Friday to get my negative beta and then get the instuctions to stop the progesterone.

And before anyone says, "maybe you just ovulated late" - if that is the case than this cycle is busted without a doubt.

I was out of town on the day that I ovulated. We did what we had to do right before I left (day of trigger). so, if I ovulated late, then there is basically no chance at all. Even if my husband had super duper sperm - the likihood of them living 7 days is slim to none.

I knew this cycle would be a "hoping a praying" cycle anyway - it still sucks that even with meds, we just can't get it right.

Next cycle will be IUI again. Not sure if I will just deal with the clomid side effect, ask for femara, or do injectables. The only thing that "scares" me about injectables is amount of monitoring appointments. Yes, I know I am lucky to have insurance. Trust me I KNOW! But, paying a large co-pay for each office visit get really expensive when you have so many appointments in a cycle.

If in fact this cycle is busted, I will talk to the doctor on my Cd 3 testing.

Unlike last time, if (when) I get a postive, I will post it here.

8 DPO - Side Effect Hell

I figured I would lighten the mood of my last few posts by posting about IF. That should brighten your day, right.

Anyway - today is 8 dpo. I am on progesterone - which many IF woman knows how that is taken. For those who don't - well, let's just say it is not taken by mouth LOL.

So, apparently my body must be the "perfect" sample. Yeah, perfect sample for side effects. Want to know if a certain drug will have side effects - just send it my way. I will probably have many to report.

In addition to the fact that the meds make me completely tired, it is doing weird things to me. Of course my boobs hurt, I have bloating, headaches (could still be from the clomid though), night sweats, etc.

Lucky me. I hope this will be worth it in the end.

I had my Progesterone tested the other day. I have to assume it was OK, my clinic only calls if there is a problem.

My beta is scheduled for May 30 - But I will probably start testing on Sunday or Monday (10dpo, 11,dpo). Last time I did not get a postive until later in the day on 11 dpo. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

I am back - update on me

I feels so weird not to post in such a long time and not to be able to check the other blogs that I read.

So, now I am back from vacation and back from my business trip so I am back to blogging.

An update on me:

On Tuesday afternoon I triggered for our TI cycle. I told my husband the day before that we would have to "get busy" when he got home.

Yeah, well was so unromantic that it was actually funny. We both got the giggles because it just felt so forced. But, I do have to say - once we got into it, it was fine.

I actually said that we should do late afternoon "sessions" more often. His answer - "yeah, I don't think so."

Lucky for us Colin was looking to go and play outside.

So we did our thing and I got up to spend the night at my mother's house. Who by the way had homemade Sangria; which I drank a few glasses of before turning in for the night. YUM YUM!

So, the two days after the trigger (while on my business trip) I was really bloated and I thought my ovaries were going to explode. I am hoping that our little quickey really did the trick.

I started taking progesterone on Friday evening. That is fun to insert. I go in tomorrow for my Progesterone Test and I guess I will also find out if they do a beta or if I just wait to get a positive HPT.

I have started testing the trigger out and it is almost gone. I am using last Thursday as the ovualtion date (36 hours after trigger) - so that would make today 5dpo. So, I still have a long way to go in this 2ww.

If this cycle does not work, it may be injectables for me. But I still have to think about it because it would mean a lot of office visits in one cycle - and I don't know if I will be able to swing that.

The clomid gave me visual disturbances and really bad headaches, so I am not sure I want to do that again.

I hope I do not have to make that choice.

Follie Check tomorrow

So, tomorrow is CD11. I will go in for a follie check and to see if I am going to trigger tomorrow. I am almost hoping for a late (cd17) ovualtion beacuse I think my chances will be better.

If I trigger tomorrow night, I have to jump my husband tomorrow. Which of course in the perfect world would not be a problem. But, I am staying at my mom's house tomorrow night because I have an early flight the next day. So, it will really be just "doing the deed" - which sometime my husband has issues with.

I can't stay home tomorrow night because my flight is at 6:45 am on Wednesday and I live about 1 1/2 hours from the airport. My mom, on the other hand, lives 20 minutes.

I will also be talking to my RE about the clomid Side Effects. If this cycle does not work, then I will ask for something else. It is the visual side effects that bother me the most.

So, I am hoping that I am totally NOT ready tomorrow and maybe I can make it until CD 17. If I make it that late, then I will have an IUI on the day that I get back.

But, you be honest, I think there is a good chance that I might be ready tomorrow....I kind of have that feeling - like my ovaries are full.

I just realized that it has been 18 months

So after I wrote the last post, I thought to myself, "I know it was october 2006, what date was it?"

So, I looked at the side of my blog that shows my "journey" - well, wouldn't you know it......yesterday was 18 months.

18 months - that is a long time

Cruising on Friday!!!!!

I can't believe our cruise is on Friday. I have been so busy at work and busy trying to get ready for the trip that I have not had a second to blog.

It is so weird though - we booked our cruise in Oct 2006. It seems like forever ago. And guess what, we started TTC in Oct 2006. That seems like forever ago as well.

I rememeber when we first thought about the trip. It is a big family vacation, so we had to look at a lot of schedules.

When we decided on a time, the first thing that came to mind is, "Will it be fun to have a baby on the cruise?" At the time we booked it, I seriously thought I would have at least a 6 month old and I really thought I would be pregnant again.

Funny how niave I was back in Oct 2006.

So, here it is 18 months later and not only do I not have a baby, but I am not pregnant, either.

I really need this vacation, as I am sure all of us do. I just hope we have a great time.

IUI # 1 is a go

Today is CD 1. I knew this cycle was a bust. Now, I am not sure if I am upset because I got my period, or happy that I did.

Let me explain. Of course I am disappointed that I am not pregnant - so this is where I would be upset for my period. But, I DID get my period.

Why I am happy I got my period:

1 - Ovulating in itself is a great thing for me.
2 - Getting my period means I do not need meds to force a period
3 - This is my second period with a 31/32 day cycle - which is SOOOO much better than 110 days
4 - My Luteal Phase (LP) was the normal range (13 days)
5 - I am now moving on with a plan.

So, as you can see, getting my period is not the end of the world. I will go on with my plan and try to stay positive.

So, here is my plan for this cycle:

Today = CD1
Friday = CD3; bloodwork and U/S & CD3-CD7 = Clomid 100 mg
Feb 1st = CD 10; HSG (not happy about this timing because it means no sex until then)
Feb 2nd = CD 11; bloodwork and U/S to check lining and follies (I hope there is enough)
Feb 3rd or Feb 4th = CD 12/13; possible trigger with Ovidrel
Feb 5th??? = CD14; possible IUI

Now, since in the past I did not do well with the Clomid, I am hoping that since now my cycles seem to be a little more in check I will respond better this time.

I do not want too many follies because I would hate to cancel the IUI. So, for now, the trigger and IUI dates are just tenative.

Of course, I will keep this blog posted with updates

I'm sure this cycle is a bust

I am 12 dpo and it still is a BFN. I have been cramping since I got the postive OPK so I doubt this cycle is going to work. I just don't feel it. I know, I know, you are not out until you get your period, but I am counting this cycle as a bust.

Next cycle will be my first IUI. So, if this cycle is busted, at least we are moving foward with treatments.

Speaking of which. First a disclaimer - yes, I know it is great to have IF insurance...I am very greatful for that. There are so many woman that have to pay our of pocket...which is going to make the following complaint seem petty. But, it is still a frustration that I am dealing with. I KNOW others who have to pay out of pocket have to deal with so much more.

Only part of my meds are available through my local pharmacy. All injectables are only covered by a "mail-order" pharmacy. And only one.

So, in the past two weeks I have been dealing with crappy customer service reps. I have gotten mis-information, call disconnects, flat out rudeness, etc. Thank God I decided to fill the meds right away instead of waiting for the actual IUI cycle. It has taken 10 days to finally receive confirmation that the meds are covered and will be shipped to me. If I waited until CD1 or CD2 to order the meds, (and based on the same turn-around time) my meds would only get here on the day that I would need to start them (approx day 12/13). So, frustrating.

Plus, don't these people know that IF makes people (well me at least) total biotches?!?!?! I just can't deal with crappy customer service at this time.

I do have to say that once I got a hold of the IF customer Service area - well, all was well. She calmed me down. When over some mis-information. You can tell that only the nice people work in the IF area.

So, at least the meds are on their way.

Hopeful

I am so hoping that this is it for us. We have an IUI with Met/Clomid/trigger scheduled for next cycle if this cycle is a bust. As much as I would be OK with an IUI, a huge part of me still wants to get pregnant without any assistance.

It does feel good to have an actual plan after 15 months, and I am glad that I made the RE appointment.

When the RE flat out said, "yup, you definately ovuluated on your right side" it really gave me hope that it would work this cycle. Our timing was perfect, but I really think that the stress kind of gave my husband some "performance anxiety" so we will have to wait and see.

I like to test early, but I have a GTG with some T-TTC nesties on 10 DPO......so, I will probably not test that day. So the earliest I will test will be 11dpo on Sunday.

It is nice to be under the care of an RE. If I do get pregnant this cycle, he will monitor me until I am released to an OB. So, I will probaby still have betas and a possible early U/S. That was one of the main questions I asked at my first appointment.

First RE Appointment is tomorrow

I am not nervous about it , I guess. But, I called my health insurance yesterday just to be certain that I do not need a referral...I don't. BUT, when I was talking to them, they imformed me that their definition of IF is 2 YEARS of trying.....not the one year that I was originally told and totally not what the medical term of IF means.

I asked them how they know if has been two years....expecially since we have only had this insurance company since Aug 1, 2007.

The woman on the phone said that the inital consultation is covered, it just would be the treatment that would fall under the "trying for two years" crap. And after the consultation, the doctor sends the insurance company a letter about what the problem may be, the types of tests needed, the course of action to be taken, etc. The insurance company bases it's answer on what the doctor tells them regarding how long we have been trying. They also said that they are not able to verify things that occur in your personal life - just what the doctor says.

So, now I am thinking that since they have no access to my payment records (from the payment of BCP) since this is a new insurance company maybe I can swing it.

Plus, I have been trying since 2006, so this is actually the 3rd calendar year that we are trying (2006, 2007, 2008) - maybe the doctor could be slick in the wording so that it is up to interpretation. I am in my second year of tying, so maybe 2 years is that interpretation.

Plus I found out that even if it is approved, it could take 30-45 days for that approval. Which means it could be another 2 months to start any type of testing and/or treatment.

I am so wishing that I get pregnant this cycle (positive OPK yesterday) and I do not have to go through this crap with the insurance.

Yes, I know we can pay out of pocket....and I know a lot of women do. But, as many of you know, it is really expensive and if the insurance will pay for it, I guess I will just have to wait.

My life - 10 days at a time

I think it is true. I am living my life 10 days at a time.

CD 1 - 10: Living carefree. Pissed that I got my period. But, excited that I did not have a 110 day cycle. Constantly checking the calendar for CD10, when I will start using OPKs. Thinking about my due date if I get pregnant this cycle.

CD 10-20(ish): Taking OPKs, waiting and waiting for a positive. Looking at an OPK in bizarre ways in the HOPE that maybe upside down, one eye closed, standing on one foot, using a black-light might produce a darker second line. Taking multiple OPKs because of my fear that I will miss a LH Surge. Tying really hard to keep sex fun with my husband.

CD 20-30(ish): Hoping that OPK that I was SURE was positive actually made me ovulate and hoping that we did the deed (DTD) enough. Writing on the calendar and circling with a big red marker 10 DPO. Over thinking every little non symptom - wondering if this was THE cycle. Taking HPTs way too early thinking that I will get a positive. Again doing the upside down, one eye closed, standing on one foot, using a black-light dance thinking that maybe I will be able to see a second line.

I don't want it to be like this, it just is.

Cycle Day # 2

Well, I guess I should be happy that I did not waste my last expensive pregnancy test. I got my period yesterday; so today is CD2.

It is really weird, I am disappointed.....but not crying my eyes out upset. We have an RE appointment next month, so maybe we will get some answers soon.

This is going to sound weird, but I am hoping that I have another late(r) ovulation date. The night of CD13 and CD14 I will be out of town....without my husband. I really can't cancel it either.

So, if I ovulate on CD 20/21 like I did this past cycle I will be OK. However, you know damn right I will be jumping my husband as soon as I return on CD 15 - just to be on the safe side.

My appointment with the RE will be on CD19, I have no idea if it makes a difference or not.

On the plus side, I have been able to get my period on my own for several cycles in a row. With a decent cycle length (45, 30ish). So, there is still hope that we can do this on our own.

I am sure that when we meet with the RE, they will talk to us about our options and then order CD3 bloodwork. I am hoping that there will not be a CD3, because I will be pregnant.

I guess I should be more specific

I know 11 dpo is still early, but I figured I would test this morning to be on the safe side. I am not a big drinker. But, I wouldn't drink at all if I got a + test.

Even though I am POSITIVE that I got a +OPK and did the deed (lol) I am not sure it worked. I totally do NOT feel pregnant. I will not test again until Sunday (probably - lol).

I am dissappointed, but since it is still pretty early, I know I still have a chance so I am not upset yet.