Friday, October 3, 2008

What does "On a Break" really mean

Ok - when we were in limbo with this last pregnancy, my husband and I agreed that if it did not last (it didn't) that we were going on a break. He really hated seeing me so happy and then so so sad. I agree. It is really hard to deal with the fact that I have had 3 m/c in 6 months.

It is actually 6 months and 3 days for those that are keeping track.

Anyway, what does that really mean? Of course the obvious is no medical treatment. If we do more medical treatment, it won't be for a few months. Maybe the new year. Of course, we could change our mind and decide that one month is long enough. Right now that does not seem like it will happen. I really need some time to just be Amy, not Amy who goes to the doc every other day.

But, what else does it mean? Does it mean that it is not something I think about every second of every day - I guess not. Because in reality, I will think about it every day. Was that my last shot of being pregnant? Should we even do more advanced medical treatment? Should we consider alternative options?

Does it mean that I can actually "relax" - not really. In the back of my mind I will be thinking, "heck, maybe if I DO relax, maybe I will have a break BFP?"

I still think about timing, even though timing sex perfectly has never worked before. Maybe this time it will - yeah right. Oh, and ironically, the wedding next weekend will be 2 weeks to the day that I started my "period" after we found out about m/c #3. Of course I know it is not a real period, but that is technically when the cycle would have started if I thought it was just a late period (a week late).

So, even though I am on a break, I still count the days. Of course I assume "normal" timed cycles, which without meds I do not have. But, when we were on our break last year, I did get some normalish cycles. Maybe I will be that lucky again.

I guess for some, a break means not thinking about a thing. Just letting whatever happens happens. Not counting days, not stressing over ovulation, etc.

I guess that is just not me.


Leah said...

Honey...none of us truly ever take a break. Taking a break only means not going to the doc/doing meds. It never means walking away from the desire, walking away from cycle days and all things baby related. AFter my last miscarriage I was DONE! Now, 2 cycles later I am right back on the horse. Just know that you don't have to make decisions right not. Let the dust will see much more clearly then.

Tab said...

yeah, I say I'm on a break this month too, but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it every 5 seconds! I don't think that's really possible. I'm just trying to give it to God and find myself again, enjoying the things I used to love to do!

theworms said...

I don't think we're ever really on a break. Technically, we're on a break until next year and I still chart and have sex when I'm supposed to. I analyze my CM everytime I go to the bathroom. I wouldn't know how to stop at this point, this has been my life for 2 years.

I hope for both our sakes we can let go a little and find some peace and take a real break and do things that make us happy.

Bridget said...

A friend sent me the links to your blogs and I read through both of them. Our stories are so similar. I have lost four babies, one at four months old from gastroschisis and then three miscarriages in a row! I was also dx with "slight" PCOS - whatever that means.
Anyway, my RE is suggesting PGD and our insurance does not cover it. I saw on your other blog how you got them to cover yours. Please let me know how you did this. I'd love to email and compare notes. Maybe we can help each other through this next go around.

Take care,

Kristen said...

I think breaks are for the birds. Hang in there...and know that I'm a bird too!

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