I wish I could spend more time at the shore

I was fun while it lasted, but I am back from the shore.

I grew up not really liking the shore. And to be honest, up until a few years ago I would probably tell you that I was not really a beach person. The sand in your hair, the sunburn, the flies, the nasty water, yuck.

But, recently, I have found a new appreciation of the shore. I guess because I am older I realize the importance of just chilling. Just watching my kid have a good time. Thinking about nothing except when the next wave will hit the beach.

I never worry about sunburn. OK - I totally WORRY - I am EXTRA careful in the sun. Which is why (I guess) I don't worry about getting a sunburn. I am Casper white and reapply sunblock often - I have not gotten a sunburn in quite a while. Plus - most people would laugh at me on the beach. I have a huge umbrella - not wearing anything revealing (bathing suit, tank top, etc) and I hover under the umbrella trying to keep in the shade.

I love the feeling of the sand on my toes. On a hot day, the sand is really cool just under the surface.

The smell of the ocean immediately relaxes me.

Plus there are things that are just "shore things" that make me smile.

The shore is one of the only places where it is totally acceptable for a teenage boy to be riding a pink "shore" bike. yeah, you know the ones. No one would ever use these bikes unless they are at the shore.

And the Shore houses. No matter what "shore" I have gone to, all the houses look the same. Built on high stilts, huge houses in pastel colors. A traditional house looks out of place.

I don't think I could live there full time - but boy is it great to visit.

I am down the shore!

I am doing a few days down the shore. I will be back sometime on Tuesday.

It should be fun - Colin is bringing on of his friends so we will get to do fun stuff for a few days.

So, I will "see" you on Wednesday!

Girls Weekend - now boys weekend

I was supposed to go down the shore this weekend, Well, really just down on Sat, Back on Sun.

My friend and I planned do this way back in April/May. So, now the weekend is here and yup you guess it - my friend bailed on me.

She claims that it is just too much traffic. Whatever.

Instead, I am going to the shore with Colin. We will go on Sunday to avoid some of the traffic. I told him he could bring a friend or two.

So, my girls weekend turned into Boys Week.

Oh well.

Sometimes it pays to be crafty

We bought inexpensive living room furniture a few years ago - knowing that it was not the best. But right now, we can not afford a brand new living room set. So, we decided that we would just add new pillows to match the room.

I went looking and I could not believe that ONE pillow was $20. I really liked THIS PILLOW from Target, they also sell it in Linens and Things. But, at $20 a pillow, 4 pillows would cost $80.

It really is the perfect pillow, the yellow color matches the walls and the cinnamon color matches the curtains that I picked out.

So, I went to the next aisle and wouldn't you know it - they had matching curtains. A panel curtain (54" X 84") was also $19.99.

I bought the one panel and made 4 pillows out of the one curtain. I used the existing pillows as a pillow form and just added additional stuffing where needed.

So, it saved me $60 and they look exactly the same.

Here is my pillow:

Weird conversation with my pastor

I was doing some volunteering at my church. Our church is part of a program that houses homeless families for a week at a time, then the families move to another church and it rotates.

Some people have meals with the families, some people sleep over at the church, some people do activities and fellowship. Since there were so many people that wanted to help, we were only assigned "activities" for this past Sunday evening. But - we will probably go back again maybe tonight or tomorrow.

It was a great experience for me and for Colin. Since I love doing arts and crafts, especially with children, I brought some simple craft items with me. Making bookmarks, magnets, key rings, etc. It is amazing what you can do with a laminator.

I was thrilled when I found out that the children that would be there were an 8yr old girl, an 11 yr old girl, and a 5yr old boy. These are the perfect ages (and genders) for arts and crafts. A 14 year old boy probably does not want to do arts and crafts - unless you are my kid :)

So, I was talking to the pastor of my church and I said to him that I was thrilled with the age group and gender because these kids actually want to do what I brought. He starts talking about how he always wanted a girl (he had 2 boys) and that his wife always wanted a girl as well.

So, one day, the decided that they would adopt a little girl to complete their family. They wound up adopting twins - a boy and a girl. This was probably about 18 years ago.

OK - so I am rambling. The pastor then turns to Colin and says, "I can tell that you want a sister, you should try to convince your mom to adopt a little girl. I worked for us. Plus you can pick up lots of girls by pushing your sister around in a stroller. Girls just love that"

Colin looks at me and gives me the "why not?" look.

Maybe this is the actual sign from God? It was just a really weird moment.

When we hit the one year mark TTC, my husband and I talked about adoption through the foster care system in our state. We wanted to try medical assistance before we did anything else.

It was just kind of weird that I have this conversation less than a week after my second D&C.

I have had a CRAPPY week

Don't let the previous post fool you - I have had a CRAPPY week. I am not sleeping well. I get up several times a night. Then because I am not working right now, I think about stuff all day long.

Then to top it off, Colin is away this week. Now, while I am thilled that we were able to shield him from this grief this time around, it really would have been nice for me to see his face.

Colin comes home tomorrow - so all will be good in that area.

I am just more of an emotional wreck this time around. It is weird to explain. I am upset - but it is different than the last time. Better, but worse. Told you I can't explain it.

I also feel like I am in limbo on the message boards that I go on. I am definately not on Success After Infertility (SAIF) but don't really belong on Trouble Trying to Concieve (TTTC) because I will not be seeking addional treatments until at least October.

Of course I can go on TTTC and do research on my options and of course see when everyone moves over to SAIF. But right now, I don't think I should answer any posts regarding IUI. People don't want to see that BOTH of my IUIs ended in m/c. I know one has nothing to do with another, but will everyone else see it that way?

I really do love TTTC - the support I get from the women there is unbelievable. I know that I can post there just to vent. I am sure I will have my own questions when it gets closer to October.

I hate just being a lurker - as I was on SAIF since March. But, can't really post there either. I don't really have any "success" stories to share. I still can't believe how many SAIFers have their babies already!!!!

I am also have other physical things going on that are just constant reminders of the fact that I am no longer pregnant. I have to go back to the RE next week to check my levels - I will also talk to them about the other physical things that are going on.

So, I am hoping that next week is better than this one. Because this week has been hell!

I am a weirdo

The way I am keeping my mind off of the miscarriage is to dive head first into planning my sister's BABY shower.

Some reason, my head does not associate a her BABY shower with the loss of mine.

When we were talking about it as a group the other day - I can not lie - there were things that were getting to me. But, by myself - nothing.

D&C was pushed up to today

I started spotting yesterday and they moved me up. After the intial scare of "oh my goodness, there is blood" I did not have any more bleeding.

But, since we are doing genetic testing, waiting until Thursday may not have been a good idea. Especially if I kept bleeding.

I am feeling OK - I guess as good as can be expected.

M/C Confirmed. D&C on Thursday

There was little change since Friday. We have scheduled the D&C for Thursday. They will of course do another scan on Thursday and if there is still no growth, they will proceed with the D&C.

There is really no words to describe how I feel.

This.Just.Sucks

Here is a new family picture - don't let the smiles fool you. I am really dying inside.

I think the waiting will kill me

I have to go back on Monday for another u/s. But from what the PA said, it will more than likely be a confirmation of yet another loss.

The waiting this weekend will probably kill me. Should I be upset yet, should I be happy that I am pregnant, should I not stress about it (stress never does anyone any good), should I just ignore the news I got yesterday?

I have only told my mother - I did not tell anyone else that knew I was pregnant. I am not really sure why I did that. But telling my mother is never a good thing.

I am sure I posted about what my mother said to me after my last loss. It might be on my other blog. Anyway, I can probably write a book to send to all mothers whose children suffer a loss.

She just says the dumbest things. I am sure she does not mean to be hurtful - and I correct her right away - but she keeps going.

I even got different ones this time around:

1 - you did not give your body enough time to adjust after your last m/c - really? 3 cycles is not enough time? I guess you know better than my doctor?

2 - maybe you just just stop treatments - maybe your body is telling you something? Yup, that was one of my favorites.

3 - it probably has something to do with the fact that you had to use IUI - Oh, yeah, I forgot, IUI is now considered in the same class as voodoo.

4 - I told here that we will have the tissues tested again if we have to have a D&C. And if it came back with chromosome issues, we might have to go to IVF with PGD. She asked what that was and I explained in detail what it was. She came back with - Well, I hope you don't go that route, seems so invasive just to have a kid. Yes, it is invasive....but I don't think so extreme that it should not be considered.

5 - When I explained what was seen in the u/s (no yolk, no fetal pole), she said - Well, that means you are not really pregnant, right? Yup, not pregnant. My body has been producing pregnancy hormones for a month now but I am obviously not pregnant.

EDIT: - my mom of course called me today and this comment has got to be my new favorite.

6 - You tested way too early. Back in the day, you had to miss 2 periods before you would even test. So, if you waited, you would never miscarried - it would have been just a late period. Do I even have to give a response to this one????

You just have to love moms.

I really should have just lied and said the machine was not working and have to go back on Monday. I know she will call me every hour to see how I am doing. Which don't get me wrong - it is very nice and loving, etc. But, right now, it is really not what I want to hear.

U/S today - not good news

I am 6w1d. The doc is basing everything on my IUI date.

I went in for my first u/s today. There was no yolk sac and no fetal pole. Although I knew there was a possibility that we would not see a heartbeat, I knew that by this time we would see the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and a fetal pole. I was hoping for a heartbeat.

The PA did the scan today, and she looked and looked and said, "this is not good news, we really should be seeing at least the yolk sac by this point"

I will be going back on Monday for a re-check, but she says at this point it does not look good.

You know it is bad when your nurse says, "Don't worry about the co-payment, we will figure that out later" And then grabs the tissues for me.

I am devestated. I know people will say, "Hey, maybe you just have a late implanter" or "Maybe it just is a late bloomer" etc - now as much as I WANT those things to be true - When the doctors office says it does not look good, I kind of have to believe them.

My husband was there with me today - thank God. I was not bawling hysterical. Having him there helped me feel not as alone.

OH and THANK GOD I decided not to go for this u/s on my birthday!!!!

It's my BIRTHDAY!

I can't believe that I am 34 years old. I don't feel 34. I can remember when we were kids that someone we babysat for was 32 - we thought they were OLD - and really had no life.

What a joke.

I hope this year will be a great year for me!

My sister is having a GIRL!!!

My sister told us she was pregnant the day before we found out we lost our pregnancy. I must admit, it kind of upset me that she was pregnant and I was not.

I was so happy for her though, she lost a pregnancy last year. After I lost mine, she was really the only one that really understood what I was feeling. Even now, she knows how I feel. being pregnant after a m/c is hard emotionally.

Anyway - she found out yesterday that she is having a GIRL!!! I thought that she might be having a girl, but I was THRILLED when she told me. I have no idea why I was so excited. I guess I would have been just as excited if she said she was having a boy.

I was so sure that she was having a girl that I started making a quilt that was very girl. She is not a frilly pink type of person, so i found fabric that was rusts and browns and blues. Even though the blue is in there, the print is very girly. i figured if she did not have a girl, I could possibly give it to someone else.

We will not be finding out the sex of this baby. I only found out with Colin by accident - 3 days before he was born. I was mad that the doctor let it slip. I really did not want to know.

She did tell us that she will be keeping the name a secret until the baby is born - which I also think is a good idea. This way SOMETHING is a surprise. Plus, who really wants all the comments from everyone else. I told my mom a few names, and she said "gross" to each of them.

So - until birth, our baby will be known as Mufasa - my husbands choice. A good strong name. Of course this name will not be on the actual list.

Ticker Change Day!

5 Weeks Pregnant.

How do I feel? Fine, except that I feel completely bloated. So much so that I basically pulled at my shirt the entire day yesterday. I am sure I now have a mark there because I pulled on it so much.

Oh - and my boobs still feel like they weigh about 15 pounds each. Someone at a BBQ yesterday actually noticed and said, "good god - your boobs seems like the get bigger each time I see you!" She does not know I am pregnant. It is kind of true anyway. My boobs have not stopped growing in a few years. It seems like every year I go up a cup size. I am already an (I) cup and I am now spilling out of those. Without a bra on my boobs just KILL.

I rememeber my last pregnancy, my boobs were still hurting at 8.5 weeks - the day of my D&C. So, who knows how long the hurtness will last.

Speaking of pregnancy, it is VERY hard not to say anything to people. Especially when they flat out ask, "so how are the IF treatments going" My only answer (which is not a lie), "We are still seeing the specialist" We have only told my parents and my sisters.

We are waiting until the u/s on Friday to hopefully see a heartbeat. My husband does not want to tell his family until we see a heartbeat. We have a party on Sat, so if we see a heartbeat on Friday, then we will tell his family.

We were thinking that we would wait until we had 2 good u/s before we told Colin. But obviously, if we tell his family, we have to tell Colin. I think I am most nervous about that.

Beta # 3 and U/S issue

Beta # 3 was today - 1700!!!

Here is the run down of betas

#1 - 165
#2 - 626
#3 - 1700

Of course, I am thrilled. They have more than doubled each time. My progesterone has dropped a tiny bit. So, now I am on supplements twice a day. My level was 20, the doctor does not seem concerned. But, like he said, better safe than sorry. I will take them 100 times a day if that means keeping this pregnancy.

When my doc called, he said that I could come in next week for my first u/s. He wants me to come in my Wednesday (my birthday). I think I might push it to Friday though.

Some info: I had my IUI 2 days before "standard" day for ovulaltion. So, today I am either 4w6d (IUI) or 4w4d (LMP). I know 2 days really do not make a difference in the grand scheme of things. But they make a difference at this early stage.

If I go next wed, I will either be 5w6d (IUI) or 5w4d (LMP). I am 100% sure that I will not see a heartbeat at this early date.

Since u/s are on a walk-in basis, I was thinking about going in on Friday. The dr said it was ok if I wanted to wait.

I figure that:

1 - I really don't want to have the u/s on my birthday
2 - If we wait until Friday - we have a better (but not guaranteed) chance of seeing the heartbeat.

On the Friday I will be either 6w1d (IUI) or 5w6d (LMP) - which obvious is no guarantee that we will see a heartbeat anyway - but better than on the Wed.

This is where a few days DOES make a big difference.

So, as much as I would LOVE an u/s as soon as possible, I am almost 100% positive that we are going to wait until the Friday. Maybe it will be a GREAT b-day present (2 days late)

Chicken is not my friend

when i was pregnant in Feb/March I felt great - except if I tried to eat Chicken. My stomach was never upset. I was one of the lucky ones.

Right before I had my first u/s the smell of chicken (cooked, sandwich meat, etc) would totally make me gag. I took one bite of a chicken sandwich and had to spit the thing out.

Well, with this pregnancy, so far I have been fine. My boobs are REALLY REALLY sore. They are heavy to begin with and I seriously think they grow every day.

Anyway, I have had chicken several times and have been fine.

Until today. I made asian style chicken - one of Colin's favorites. The first few bites were OK - then all of a sudden I was gagging. I don't know if it was a texture thing. But, it was gross and it had to come out of my mouth ASAP!!!!

I spit whatever was in my mouth into a napkin and could not finish anything else on my plate.

Totally sucks!!!! I really don't eat red meat except chopped meat, so chicken has always been a default for dinner. We usually have chicken 4-5 times a week.

I hope this is just a phase - I like chicken too much not to eat if for the next 9 month :(