April Fools

I really am trying not to dwell. I know it helps people, but for me I do not want to know that it has been XX weeks and XX days since my m/c. I also don't want to remember how far along I would have been on a certain date.

The only way I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy was a ticker that I had. It showed how many weeks and days I was pregnant. I have since deleted it so I really have no idea how far along I should be.

But, today is the last day of the month - so I flipped my calendar to April and there it was.

"April 1 - SOGA @7:30 AM"

I was going to have my first OB appointment on April 1st, April Fool's Day. I would love to go to the drs and have them say "April Fools! you are still pregnant" Obviously I know this will not happen.

I cancelled the appointment of course. But, I guess I forgot that I put it on the calendar.

I am doing better - really I am. But, still sad at times. I know I have the strength to be happy once again.

Appliances!!!!

Beta is still high

I am 6 days post D&C. I went in to day to do a beta test (amount of pregnancy hormone in your system).

I know that it could take some time for the beta to go down to zero after a m/c - so I was not really expecting a level of zero or anything.

But, my beta is 862. I know that is not a "high" beta considering that my betas were much higher than that at 5 weeks.

But, 862 is REALLY far from zero. The dr said that with that number it should take about 3 weeks for the beta to go to zero.

Lucky me.

I thought you would be OK by now.

I am not really a fan of forwarded e-mails. Unless it is something that is so "I laughed so hard it made me pee my pants" funny.

So, today I get an e-mail that went something like this: A baby was going to be born tomorrow and was asking God all these questions. God answered all questions with 'your angel will be there'. The baby asks 'how will I know my angel' - God replies "you will call her 'mom' "

Ugh - thanks for thinking of me when you selected me to send this forward to. It really makes me feel so much better.

So, I responded to the e-mail in a short message that said, "this is a really bad time for me to get forwards like this. Can you not send these to me?"

I get an e-mail back that says "oh -sorry, I thought you would be OK by now"

I lost the baby a week ago. Apparently that is enough time to "get over" it.

I know other people do not understand the emotional hell that I am in right now. But come on, it was only a week ago. Common sense people, common sense.

All the Cabinets are in!

New Appliances today

At least the amount of progress on the house is lifting my spirits!

Today we are having our appliance delivered. I am not sure if they will be installed today - not sure if the contractor is ready.

Yesterday he installed the base cabinets - apparently it was a pain in the butt!!! All of our walls are slanted. So, he had to "build up" part of the wall - just to make it even.

We also painted the dining room - well most of it. We still have to fill in all the nail holes and paint the trim. But I LOVE it so far.

It is hard to take pictures, because there is so much other crap in all the room. Like saws and boxes, and just STUFF. I promise I will take some pictures tonight and load a whole bunch.

Plus - my camera's display is not working. So, I have to take the picture, then load it into the PC in order to see if the picture is clear, etc.

So, I guess this post is "to be continued"

No, I am not OK

I would never have thought that a miscarriage and then a D&C would be one of the worst moments of my life. Sure, I knew people were sad after a m/c and thought for sure that if it ever happen to me I would be sad also.

But, nothing has prepared me for the extreme amount of emotional pain that I am in right now.

Last year, my sister suffered a miscarriage, I was upset for her (of course), but if I would have known that she felt anything like I feel - then I would have reached out more for her. I would have asked more if she was OK. I would not have believed her when she said she was fine.

The past few days have been horrible for me. The littlest thing makes me so upset. We were suposed to share our good news on Easter. Instead, at church I was constantly reminded that "he" died on Friday. I know the pastor is talking about Jesus, but I hear "my baby died on Friday" (the day of my D&C).

I have to go back to work today - physically I am fine. No pain and no bleeding from the D&C. But, I am in the worst emotional pain that I have ever felt.

I know time heals all wounds, but this wound will forever bleed.

Since my other blog was created as a pregnancy blog, all future updates will be on this blog. I hope in the near future I can start another pregnancy blog.

Here is the link to my other blog.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts/prayers.

I was keeping a secret

About a month ago we found out that my first IUI was a success. Sadly, our baby lost it's heartbeat. We found out yesterday that at 8 weeks pregnant, our baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and although we saw a heartbeat last week, that had faded as well.

We have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

Our cabinets were delivered today!

Our cabinets were delivered this morning. They probably won't be installed until the end of this week. But, they are in the house!!!

The contractor still has to do the floor and the last sanding of the drywall. The appliances are being delivered on Tuesday - so they HAVE to be installed by then. Otherwise we have to push back the appliance delivery.

In a few weeks, the house will be DONE!!! I am so excited I could cry!

Some House Pictures

2nd Floor bathroom Before

2nd Floor bathroom - in progress

Back of the house - after the siding was taken off

Back of the house with new siding (picture makes the siding look distorted - but it is not)

14 Years ago I told my parents I was pregnant

Yup - that's right. 14 years ago on St. Patrick's Day, I told my mom that I was pregnant. Two of my sisters already knew by this point. It is funny - I can not remember when I found out I was pregnant. I really have no idea.

But, I remember when I told my mom (who then told my dad). I was a sophomore in college and was planning on waiting until spring break to tell them. I am glad that it came out when it did. They were able to absorb the info before they saw me.

One of my sisters was all ready to "take me in". I was going to move to Buffalo. We just all assumed that my parents would FLIP OUT and disown me. "Take me in" is in quotes because when I think about it now, what the heck was my sister thinking. She was only a junior in college herself.

But, at the time, we knew we would be able to make it work.

Each year, my mother is so kind to remind me that XX years ago, she got the worst news of her life. Well, gee thanks mom. I know she does not really mean it. But at the time, it really was pretty bad news.

I can't believe how fast the last 14 years have gone. In about an hour - I have a meeting with Colin Guidance Counselor to talk about his HIGH SCHOOL SCHEUDLE!!!!! Yup - he goes to High School in the fall. WOW!!!!

Another $14,000 payment

I knew the joy of having tens of thousands of dollars in our bank account would be short lived. We jsut wrote out another check for $14,000 this morning. I have never written so many check with so many zeros in them.

We had to write another check because our contractor says he is at the 1/2 way point. He also said that mostly everything from here on out is cosmetic stuff.

I can't believe that our house will be done in a few more weeks.

I have a few more pictures - I will add them later....I promise!

I bribed my contractor with cookies

So, our loan FINALLY went though. The money was in our account on Sat. I have never seen that much money in my account at one time. Kind of cool to see.

Too bad all of it will be gone in a matter of weeks.

My contractor has been GREAT - he basically has been working for very little money. Since he knew we were getting our money, he prepaired a bill of sorts. The initial deposit (which we still had not paid) minus any payments that we have made, plus any overages thus far (extra money spent for the vanity, tiles, etc). He gives us an allowance for all items and then we just pay over if we spend more than the allowance.

So, since we have the money now, we are giving him what we owe him. Our payments are divided in thirds so we still need to give him a lot more after today.

So, I baked 3 batches (9 dozen) cookies and wrote him a really nice note. Saying how much we wanted to thank him for understanding about the loan and how great he has been as a contractor.

Of course I am thankful - but the cookies were really just so we stay on good terms. I sure they will gobble them up!

My bank SUCKS ASS!!!!!!

I hate my bank. HATE them!! We applied for a loan over a month ago. A loan that was supossed to take a week to ten days.

We kept getting dicked around. We would turn one paper in and then they would call us 2 days later and say we needed something else. They did this about 4 times. Paperwork was lost which cost us a week, yeah we were real happy about that one.

Then we had to pay off a debt that is not even ours. We made it from our account at the same bank - so that they could see right away that it was done. I guess that was not good enough. This held it up for 3 more days.

So, FINALLY we close on the loan on Monday (3-3); we were told that it has to go through this 3 day wait period crap and that the money would be deposited into a separate account on Thursday (yesterday). The loan officer said that the amount can then be transferred into our checking account the next day (today).

Well, wouldn't you know it - it STILL is not done. It was supossed to be done first thing. We keep checking our account and there is nothing. I call the bank and it goes right to voice mail.

Now we have our contractor calling and asking for more money. I don't blame him - he has basically been working for free for 3 weeks. We did not want to write a check today because we KNEW this would probably happen.

I really HATE this bank!!!!!! I am tempted to take all of our money out of there!

No new pictures

I don't have any new pictures because most of the work that has been done in the past few days have been things that you really can't take pictures of.

Such as:
Electric Outlets
Plumbing for the sinks
Spackle
Etc.

There is so much stuff to pick out. It seems like I am making all the comprimising. Frank tries to nickel and dime things like crown molding on the kitchen cabinets, but then wants granite in the bathroom.

We are way over budget, and there does not seem to be an end in sight. It seems like Frank thinks we are made of money. But, then tells me that we can't order a pizza.

I know in the long run - the house will be beautiful - I just can't wait until it is DONE!

Some updated Pictures

New Floor in the laundry/mud room

New Drywall in the living room

Bathroom ripped out to the studs