I figured that since I have a story of me (IF & m/c), the story of my son, and the story of my house, that I should also have the story of why we are adopting. I know you can figure it out if you read "The story of Me", but here it is in it's own blog entry.
I have a son who is 14 yrs old, got pregnant as a teen with him (I was 19). So, when I got married when my son was 11, we knew we would add additional children to the mix.
What we did not expect was to have trouble trying to get pregnant.
We tried on our own for over a year before seeing a specialist. From Jan - Aug we did 3 IUI cycles. All of those IUIs resulted in pregnancy. Sadly, all ended in M/C.
After the second m/c, we spoke about adoption. We talked for a long time about why we wanted children. After a while, we realized that none of them had anything to do with giving birth to a child. My husband thought is was a little pre-mature to think about adoption at this point. Afterall, I did get pregnant twice.
After m/c #3, we were given the news that our only option was IVF with PGD (they test the embryos before they are transfered back to make sure they have a correct chromosome make-up). And since one m/c for sure was due to chromosome problems and the likehood that the other 2 were as well, there is a HIGH chance that we would have no good embryos at all.
Plus, this procedure would cost us almost $10K, that is after the insurance. We live on a modest income, in a modest house, and live a modest lifestyle. We do not have tens of thousands of dollars just laying around.
So, we spoke about everything and we agreed that we would start the process of adoption (through foster care). But, we also said that IVF is not totally out of the question. But, the more we got into the process, the less I felt the need to do the IVF.
At first I felt horrible because my husband would probably never have a bio child and I already have one. He has assured me that it does not bother him. My son is not his and he treats him like his own.
I have positive experience with the foster care system, so I always knew that if it ever came to that, adoption through foster care would be our first option. Plus, if we don't have $10K for IVF, we would never have the $$ for private/agency/international adoption. Adoption through foster care cost little or no money.
We submitted our application on October 27, 2008 and we started our required training on November 3, 2008. The class will be done before Thanksgiving. In addition to the class, there is background checks, financial checks, home inspection, reference checks, etc, etc, etc.
So, in a nutshell, that is the Story of why we are adopting. I might add to this post as time passes and updates are needed
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Some things we learned so far...
We have had 3 classes so far. Again, the trainer is just all over the place - but a super nice guy. We are actually hoping he is the one assigned to our case.
Yesterday's class was about attachment and the issues with attachment disorders. There was a new guy in the class and he was a big jerk. He obviously has kids in his care, so I am not sure why he is at class. Maybe the class is a new requirement since his last placement.
We got off topic (what a surprise) and he made a comment that made me upset. In fact, the whole class was emotional in one way or another for a lot of the class.
We were talking about when kids go back, how sometimes, according to the foster parents, is not in the best interest of the child.
This guy has a child in his house and the mom has been doing everything she was told to do. She has showed up to all visits, got a job, got an apartment, went to treatment and is clean, etc. The guy was BITCHING that the mom works but her job has an 11-8 shift. The kid must be school age. He was saying that this mom was not being a good mom to this kid because she would only see him for about an hour in the moring and an hour at night (maybe). She was also a single mom.
Well, this hit a nerve with me. So much so that when I raised my hand to comment, I started to cry. I was a single mom for 11 years before I got married. A lot of the early years I probably only saw my son a few hours a day. I was a full time student and worked full time at night. I did what I had to do to provide the best for my son. If that meant he was in daycare while I worked, well that is what it was. My son is a great kid.
The past few weeks I started thinking about these moms that have their kids taken away. When doing foster care (or fost/adopt), we need to remember that the goal of Children's Services is to return the children to their parents. To educate the parents how to be a better parent. To help the parent receive services she is intitled to.
Everyone talks about wanting to keep a child - and of course any child that is placed with us we would want to become a permanant member of our family. But, the best situation for us means that a mother loses her child. And, I don't care how bad you have it, I think a mother ALWAYS loves her child.
So, if a mom (or dad) does what she is asked, turns her life around, really loves and wants her kids, how can I be upset about it. The children are her children.
I would prefer any placements be those that have a good chance of staying with us, but I will also pray for that mom - she lost a very precious gift. I know I will be distrought if a placement has to be returned.
Some satistics - according to our trainer, he said about 40% of children are returned to their parents (or a relative). Out of those returned, about 20% will be removed again. Once children are removed again, the original time in the "system" counts toward the manadated timeline to start the termination of parental rights.
Timeline - A parent has a max of 12-15 months to work with Children's Sevices to "clean up their act". At the end of that time (or before in certain situations), there will 2 main decisions.
1 - the parents are not doing what they are supposed to and the goal is Termination of Parental Rights ("TPR")
2 - the parents ARE doing what they are supposed to and the goal is reunification.
12-15 months does not sound like that long. BUT.........after the 12-15 months, that is when the PLAN to terminate is in place. It takes another 5-7 months to have the court date to actually terminate. And after TPR, there is ANOTHER approx 6 months before the adoption is final.
So, we are looking at a possible 2+ years from placement to adoption.
But, like I said before, the clock does not start at zero if a child is removed, returned to parent, and then re-removed.
Example: I will use a removal at birth so the math is easier.
A child is removed at birth and is placed in a foster or fost/adopt home. The mom decides right away that she will go into treatment, but takes her 2 months to get into a place. Her treatment is 4 months. She stays clean for an additonal 3 months and does everything else that the judge says. The judge returns her child to her when the child is 11 months old (11 months in the system).
The mom has the child for 3 months and relapsed. The child is removed again. That mom now only has a max of 6 months to follow the court orders until a plan is determined (TPR or reunitication). However, once a plan for TPR is made, the parent still has that 5-7 months to get her kids back.
This was new info to me, I thought that at the 12-15 month mark, it was then that the rights were terminated. I did not know about the additional year before a child could be adopted.
Sorry this turned out so long, but it does help to get is all down on "paper"
Yesterday's class was about attachment and the issues with attachment disorders. There was a new guy in the class and he was a big jerk. He obviously has kids in his care, so I am not sure why he is at class. Maybe the class is a new requirement since his last placement.
We got off topic (what a surprise) and he made a comment that made me upset. In fact, the whole class was emotional in one way or another for a lot of the class.
We were talking about when kids go back, how sometimes, according to the foster parents, is not in the best interest of the child.
This guy has a child in his house and the mom has been doing everything she was told to do. She has showed up to all visits, got a job, got an apartment, went to treatment and is clean, etc. The guy was BITCHING that the mom works but her job has an 11-8 shift. The kid must be school age. He was saying that this mom was not being a good mom to this kid because she would only see him for about an hour in the moring and an hour at night (maybe). She was also a single mom.
Well, this hit a nerve with me. So much so that when I raised my hand to comment, I started to cry. I was a single mom for 11 years before I got married. A lot of the early years I probably only saw my son a few hours a day. I was a full time student and worked full time at night. I did what I had to do to provide the best for my son. If that meant he was in daycare while I worked, well that is what it was. My son is a great kid.
The past few weeks I started thinking about these moms that have their kids taken away. When doing foster care (or fost/adopt), we need to remember that the goal of Children's Services is to return the children to their parents. To educate the parents how to be a better parent. To help the parent receive services she is intitled to.
Everyone talks about wanting to keep a child - and of course any child that is placed with us we would want to become a permanant member of our family. But, the best situation for us means that a mother loses her child. And, I don't care how bad you have it, I think a mother ALWAYS loves her child.
So, if a mom (or dad) does what she is asked, turns her life around, really loves and wants her kids, how can I be upset about it. The children are her children.
I would prefer any placements be those that have a good chance of staying with us, but I will also pray for that mom - she lost a very precious gift. I know I will be distrought if a placement has to be returned.
Some satistics - according to our trainer, he said about 40% of children are returned to their parents (or a relative). Out of those returned, about 20% will be removed again. Once children are removed again, the original time in the "system" counts toward the manadated timeline to start the termination of parental rights.
Timeline - A parent has a max of 12-15 months to work with Children's Sevices to "clean up their act". At the end of that time (or before in certain situations), there will 2 main decisions.
1 - the parents are not doing what they are supposed to and the goal is Termination of Parental Rights ("TPR")
2 - the parents ARE doing what they are supposed to and the goal is reunification.
12-15 months does not sound like that long. BUT.........after the 12-15 months, that is when the PLAN to terminate is in place. It takes another 5-7 months to have the court date to actually terminate. And after TPR, there is ANOTHER approx 6 months before the adoption is final.
So, we are looking at a possible 2+ years from placement to adoption.
But, like I said before, the clock does not start at zero if a child is removed, returned to parent, and then re-removed.
Example: I will use a removal at birth so the math is easier.
A child is removed at birth and is placed in a foster or fost/adopt home. The mom decides right away that she will go into treatment, but takes her 2 months to get into a place. Her treatment is 4 months. She stays clean for an additonal 3 months and does everything else that the judge says. The judge returns her child to her when the child is 11 months old (11 months in the system).
The mom has the child for 3 months and relapsed. The child is removed again. That mom now only has a max of 6 months to follow the court orders until a plan is determined (TPR or reunitication). However, once a plan for TPR is made, the parent still has that 5-7 months to get her kids back.
This was new info to me, I thought that at the 12-15 month mark, it was then that the rights were terminated. I did not know about the additional year before a child could be adopted.
Sorry this turned out so long, but it does help to get is all down on "paper"
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Going away this weekend!
I am super excited. There is a GTG this weekend with wonderful ladies that I met through a national message board. The board is for people who are having a hard time concieiving. I have become close to some of these ladies, even though we have never met.
The GTG is in Chicago, which is cool because I have never been there. There is a bunch of stuff planned for the weekend. But, best of all, I get to meet lots and lots of cool ladies - yay!
I am trying to convience my husband that I need all new clothes for the trip, I don't think he is buying it.
Colin will also be away, be he is going to Williamsburg, VA with the Boy Scouts. Poor hubby will be home all alone for the whole weekend. Although, I doubt he sees it as a bad thing :)
I have been looking forward to this GTG for over a month, and now it is finally here.
The GTG is in Chicago, which is cool because I have never been there. There is a bunch of stuff planned for the weekend. But, best of all, I get to meet lots and lots of cool ladies - yay!
I am trying to convience my husband that I need all new clothes for the trip, I don't think he is buying it.
Colin will also be away, be he is going to Williamsburg, VA with the Boy Scouts. Poor hubby will be home all alone for the whole weekend. Although, I doubt he sees it as a bad thing :)
I have been looking forward to this GTG for over a month, and now it is finally here.
1st Class - Check
First Class was yesterday. Very long. it turns out that there are 2 classes a week. And, the last two lessons are on the same day. What does that mean? It means that instead of 8/9 weeks of classes, it is only 4 weeks of class.
Our classes will be over before Thanksgiving.
The class had 8 families - many different situations. We went around the room and had to say what type of care we were doing and our names, etc.
1 - Us. It was totally totally strange to say, "hello, we are ...., we can't have our own children" I guess saying it out loud makes it even more true.
2 - trying to get legal custody of a niece's infant. Placement in their house since 2 weeks old. Goal is reunification.
3 - doing foster care only. I guess they "sponsor" international kids and want to help kids here. Unsure if they would adopt if situation presented itself. Children up to 12 yrs old.
4 - doing foster care only. Have 6 kids between the two of them, but most have left the house. Miss children in the home. Not looking to adopt - only foster. Children up to 10 years old.
5 - trying to get legal custody of cousin's 2 kids. Placement in their house for a few days. Will adopt if cousin does not shape up.
6 - looking to get her 2 grandchildren out of foster care. Children removed 2 months ago, but are not with her now. Goal is permanent placement with her.
7 - looking to get legal custody of her grandchildren. Don't know the rest of her story.
8 - Adoption. She also can not have children. Adopted a child 8 years ago through the system (but was considered a private adoption - I guess it is a long story), then a few years later got a call about a sibling. Private adoption of that one also. A week ago, she got a call from another state's child agency. There is now another sibling that was removed. She is going to adopt this sibling but must go through all the training, since in the past she was not officially licensed through the state.
We do not have a resource worker yet, but the trainer said that by the end of classes we should have one assigned to us. I am trying not to stress over that.
The class was fine, the guy jumped around a lot though. Seemed like he lost his train of thought through out the whole class. We watched a foster care / adoption video that was (no joke) from about 1990.
You know it is bad when the statistics are from the 80's. The situations were pretty unlikely and the acting was BAD!
After the video, we talked about different things and had open discussions.
During a break I asked one of the staff about our situation. Meaning that our goal is adoption and asked if there were kids whose were already "free" for adoption. Of course there are, but 99% of them are older kids. So, it looks like we will be doing fost/adopt. Which of course is fine, but that comes with the legal risk that the children may return to the parents. I guess that is a the chance we will have to take.
But, the trainer also was giving us realistic expectations that a lot of these kids do NOT go back. I guess we will just have to look at each situation as it is presented to us and make a decision based on the info.
Our classes will be over before Thanksgiving.
The class had 8 families - many different situations. We went around the room and had to say what type of care we were doing and our names, etc.
1 - Us. It was totally totally strange to say, "hello, we are ...., we can't have our own children" I guess saying it out loud makes it even more true.
2 - trying to get legal custody of a niece's infant. Placement in their house since 2 weeks old. Goal is reunification.
3 - doing foster care only. I guess they "sponsor" international kids and want to help kids here. Unsure if they would adopt if situation presented itself. Children up to 12 yrs old.
4 - doing foster care only. Have 6 kids between the two of them, but most have left the house. Miss children in the home. Not looking to adopt - only foster. Children up to 10 years old.
5 - trying to get legal custody of cousin's 2 kids. Placement in their house for a few days. Will adopt if cousin does not shape up.
6 - looking to get her 2 grandchildren out of foster care. Children removed 2 months ago, but are not with her now. Goal is permanent placement with her.
7 - looking to get legal custody of her grandchildren. Don't know the rest of her story.
8 - Adoption. She also can not have children. Adopted a child 8 years ago through the system (but was considered a private adoption - I guess it is a long story), then a few years later got a call about a sibling. Private adoption of that one also. A week ago, she got a call from another state's child agency. There is now another sibling that was removed. She is going to adopt this sibling but must go through all the training, since in the past she was not officially licensed through the state.
We do not have a resource worker yet, but the trainer said that by the end of classes we should have one assigned to us. I am trying not to stress over that.
The class was fine, the guy jumped around a lot though. Seemed like he lost his train of thought through out the whole class. We watched a foster care / adoption video that was (no joke) from about 1990.
You know it is bad when the statistics are from the 80's. The situations were pretty unlikely and the acting was BAD!
After the video, we talked about different things and had open discussions.
During a break I asked one of the staff about our situation. Meaning that our goal is adoption and asked if there were kids whose were already "free" for adoption. Of course there are, but 99% of them are older kids. So, it looks like we will be doing fost/adopt. Which of course is fine, but that comes with the legal risk that the children may return to the parents. I guess that is a the chance we will have to take.
But, the trainer also was giving us realistic expectations that a lot of these kids do NOT go back. I guess we will just have to look at each situation as it is presented to us and make a decision based on the info.
1st Class - Check
First Class was yesterday. Very long. it turns out that there are 2 classes a week. And, the last two lessons are on the same day. What does that mean? It means that instead of 8/9 weeks of classes, it is only 4 weeks of class.
Our classes will be over before Thanksgiving.
The class had 8 families - many different situations. We went around the room and had to say what type of care we were doing and our names, etc.
1 - Us. It was totally totally strange to say, "hello, we are ...., we can't have our own children" I guess saying it out loud makes it even more true.
2 - trying to get legal custody of a niece's infant. Placement in their house since 2 weeks old. Goal is reunification.
3 - doing foster care only. I guess they "sponsor" international kids and want to help kids here. Unsure if they would adopt if situation presented itself. Children up to 12 yrs old.
4 - doing foster care only. Have 6 kids between the two of them, but most have left the house. Miss children in the home. Not looking to adopt - only foster. Children up to 10 years old.
5 - trying to get legal custody of cousin's 2 kids. Placement in their house for a few days. Will adopt if cousin does not shape up.
6 - looking to get her 2 grandchildren out of foster care. Children removed 2 months ago, but are not with her now. Goal is permanent placement with her.
7 - looking to get legal custody of her grandchildren. Don't know the rest of her story.
8 - Adoption. She also can not have children. Adopted a child 8 years ago through the system (but was considered a private adoption - I guess it is a long story), then a few years later got a call about a sibling. Private adoption of that one also. A week ago, she got a call from another state's child agency. There is now another sibling that was removed. She is going to adopt this sibling but must go through all the training, since in the past she was not officially licensed through the state.
We do not have a resource worker yet, but the trainer said that by the end of classes we should have one assigned to us. I am trying not to stress over that.
The class was fine, the guy jumped around a lot though. Seemed like he lost his train of thought through out the whole class. We watched a foster care / adoption video that was (no joke) from about 1990.
You know it is bad when the statistics are from the 80's. The situations were pretty unlikely and the acting was BAD!
After the video, we talked about different things and had open discussions.
During a break I asked one of the staff about our situation. Meaning that our goal is adoption and asked if there were kids whose were already "free" for adoption. Of course there are, but 99% of them are older kids. So, it looks like we will be doing fost/adopt. Which of course is fine, but that comes with the legal risk that the children may return to the parents. I guess that is a the chance we will have to take.
But, the trainer also was giving us realistic expectations that a lot of these kids do NOT go back. I guess we will just have to look at each situation as it is presented to us and make a decision based on the info.
Our classes will be over before Thanksgiving.
The class had 8 families - many different situations. We went around the room and had to say what type of care we were doing and our names, etc.
1 - Us. It was totally totally strange to say, "hello, we are ...., we can't have our own children" I guess saying it out loud makes it even more true.
2 - trying to get legal custody of a niece's infant. Placement in their house since 2 weeks old. Goal is reunification.
3 - doing foster care only. I guess they "sponsor" international kids and want to help kids here. Unsure if they would adopt if situation presented itself. Children up to 12 yrs old.
4 - doing foster care only. Have 6 kids between the two of them, but most have left the house. Miss children in the home. Not looking to adopt - only foster. Children up to 10 years old.
5 - trying to get legal custody of cousin's 2 kids. Placement in their house for a few days. Will adopt if cousin does not shape up.
6 - looking to get her 2 grandchildren out of foster care. Children removed 2 months ago, but are not with her now. Goal is permanent placement with her.
7 - looking to get legal custody of her grandchildren. Don't know the rest of her story.
8 - Adoption. She also can not have children. Adopted a child 8 years ago through the system (but was considered a private adoption - I guess it is a long story), then a few years later got a call about a sibling. Private adoption of that one also. A week ago, she got a call from another state's child agency. There is now another sibling that was removed. She is going to adopt this sibling but must go through all the training, since in the past she was not officially licensed through the state.
We do not have a resource worker yet, but the trainer said that by the end of classes we should have one assigned to us. I am trying not to stress over that.
The class was fine, the guy jumped around a lot though. Seemed like he lost his train of thought through out the whole class. We watched a foster care / adoption video that was (no joke) from about 1990.
You know it is bad when the statistics are from the 80's. The situations were pretty unlikely and the acting was BAD!
After the video, we talked about different things and had open discussions.
During a break I asked one of the staff about our situation. Meaning that our goal is adoption and asked if there were kids whose were already "free" for adoption. Of course there are, but 99% of them are older kids. So, it looks like we will be doing fost/adopt. Which of course is fine, but that comes with the legal risk that the children may return to the parents. I guess that is a the chance we will have to take.
But, the trainer also was giving us realistic expectations that a lot of these kids do NOT go back. I guess we will just have to look at each situation as it is presented to us and make a decision based on the info.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Classes Start Today!
When you adopt from the foster care system (at least in our state), it comes with required training. The classes are nine 3-hour classes for a total of 27 hours.
Our first class is today! We were only given the info that the class starts today - so I am not sure if they are once a week, or more than that in a week. So, the classes could be up to 9 weeks long.
But, we are excited. Even more exciting was that my family came over on Sat for my son's b-day and all of us had great conversations about us adopting. A lot of it was like a Q&A session - but it was good to give them the info that we have.
And it is great because the class is actually in my town, so I will probably meet other families that are local to me.
Yay!
Our first class is today! We were only given the info that the class starts today - so I am not sure if they are once a week, or more than that in a week. So, the classes could be up to 9 weeks long.
But, we are excited. Even more exciting was that my family came over on Sat for my son's b-day and all of us had great conversations about us adopting. A lot of it was like a Q&A session - but it was good to give them the info that we have.
And it is great because the class is actually in my town, so I will probably meet other families that are local to me.
Yay!
Classes Start Today!
When you adopt from the foster care system (at least in our state), it comes with required training. The classes are nine 3-hour classes for a total of 27 hours.
Our first class is today! We were only given the info that the class starts today - so I am not sure if they are once a week, or more than that in a week. So, the classes could be up to 9 weeks long.
But, we are excited. Even more exciting was that my family came over on Sat for my son's b-day and all of us had great conversations about us adopting. A lot of it was like a Q&A session - but it was good to give them the info that we have.
And it is great because the class is actually in my town, so I will probably meet other families that are local to me.
Yay!
Our first class is today! We were only given the info that the class starts today - so I am not sure if they are once a week, or more than that in a week. So, the classes could be up to 9 weeks long.
But, we are excited. Even more exciting was that my family came over on Sat for my son's b-day and all of us had great conversations about us adopting. A lot of it was like a Q&A session - but it was good to give them the info that we have.
And it is great because the class is actually in my town, so I will probably meet other families that are local to me.
Yay!
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