April Fools

I really am trying not to dwell. I know it helps people, but for me I do not want to know that it has been XX weeks and XX days since my m/c. I also don't want to remember how far along I would have been on a certain date.

The only way I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy was a ticker that I had. It showed how many weeks and days I was pregnant. I have since deleted it so I really have no idea how far along I should be.

But, today is the last day of the month - so I flipped my calendar to April and there it was.

"April 1 - SOGA @7:30 AM"

I was going to have my first OB appointment on April 1st, April Fool's Day. I would love to go to the drs and have them say "April Fools! you are still pregnant" Obviously I know this will not happen.

I cancelled the appointment of course. But, I guess I forgot that I put it on the calendar.

I am doing better - really I am. But, still sad at times. I know I have the strength to be happy once again.

Appliances!!!!

Beta is still high

I am 6 days post D&C. I went in to day to do a beta test (amount of pregnancy hormone in your system).

I know that it could take some time for the beta to go down to zero after a m/c - so I was not really expecting a level of zero or anything.

But, my beta is 862. I know that is not a "high" beta considering that my betas were much higher than that at 5 weeks.

But, 862 is REALLY far from zero. The dr said that with that number it should take about 3 weeks for the beta to go to zero.

Lucky me.

I thought you would be OK by now.

I am not really a fan of forwarded e-mails. Unless it is something that is so "I laughed so hard it made me pee my pants" funny.

So, today I get an e-mail that went something like this: A baby was going to be born tomorrow and was asking God all these questions. God answered all questions with 'your angel will be there'. The baby asks 'how will I know my angel' - God replies "you will call her 'mom' "

Ugh - thanks for thinking of me when you selected me to send this forward to. It really makes me feel so much better.

So, I responded to the e-mail in a short message that said, "this is a really bad time for me to get forwards like this. Can you not send these to me?"

I get an e-mail back that says "oh -sorry, I thought you would be OK by now"

I lost the baby a week ago. Apparently that is enough time to "get over" it.

I know other people do not understand the emotional hell that I am in right now. But come on, it was only a week ago. Common sense people, common sense.

All the Cabinets are in!

New Appliances today

At least the amount of progress on the house is lifting my spirits!

Today we are having our appliance delivered. I am not sure if they will be installed today - not sure if the contractor is ready.

Yesterday he installed the base cabinets - apparently it was a pain in the butt!!! All of our walls are slanted. So, he had to "build up" part of the wall - just to make it even.

We also painted the dining room - well most of it. We still have to fill in all the nail holes and paint the trim. But I LOVE it so far.

It is hard to take pictures, because there is so much other crap in all the room. Like saws and boxes, and just STUFF. I promise I will take some pictures tonight and load a whole bunch.

Plus - my camera's display is not working. So, I have to take the picture, then load it into the PC in order to see if the picture is clear, etc.

So, I guess this post is "to be continued"

No, I am not OK

I would never have thought that a miscarriage and then a D&C would be one of the worst moments of my life. Sure, I knew people were sad after a m/c and thought for sure that if it ever happen to me I would be sad also.

But, nothing has prepared me for the extreme amount of emotional pain that I am in right now.

Last year, my sister suffered a miscarriage, I was upset for her (of course), but if I would have known that she felt anything like I feel - then I would have reached out more for her. I would have asked more if she was OK. I would not have believed her when she said she was fine.

The past few days have been horrible for me. The littlest thing makes me so upset. We were suposed to share our good news on Easter. Instead, at church I was constantly reminded that "he" died on Friday. I know the pastor is talking about Jesus, but I hear "my baby died on Friday" (the day of my D&C).

I have to go back to work today - physically I am fine. No pain and no bleeding from the D&C. But, I am in the worst emotional pain that I have ever felt.

I know time heals all wounds, but this wound will forever bleed.

Since my other blog was created as a pregnancy blog, all future updates will be on this blog. I hope in the near future I can start another pregnancy blog.

Here is the link to my other blog.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts/prayers.