Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance" Day. Please light a candle to remember all lost babies.

Infertility Miscarriage Bracelet - My take on Infertility's Common Thread

You can read all about Infertility's Common Thread on a previous blog post. But, I thought I would change it up a bit to reflect a m/c as well as IF. Both suck, but having to deal with both of them TOTALLY sucks. So, I wanted to have one piece that represented both.

I went to the store and bought some beads. I looked for a charm that had tiny feet on it but really did not find anything. I was not looking to spend loads of money. I just wanted something inexpensive that I could do myself.

Even though the common thread color is supposed to be pomegranate, I thought the red was close enough. I added 2 sections of pink and blue beads to represent the two babies that I have lost. I also added the butterfly as I have heard that it is a symbol of fertility.



They really are nothing fancy. Just beads on a piece of elastic. But, I like it.

I have lots of extra beads and even some extra butterflies. If you want one, I will make you one and send it to you for free. Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail at makeitgrandetc at yahoo dot com.

Maybe it will be a conversation starter. And like I have said before - Conversation Breeds Awareness.

D&C was pushed up to today

I started spotting yesterday and they moved me up. After the intial scare of "oh my goodness, there is blood" I did not have any more bleeding.

But, since we are doing genetic testing, waiting until Thursday may not have been a good idea. Especially if I kept bleeding.

I am feeling OK - I guess as good as can be expected.

M/C Confirmed. D&C on Thursday

There was little change since Friday. We have scheduled the D&C for Thursday. They will of course do another scan on Thursday and if there is still no growth, they will proceed with the D&C.

There is really no words to describe how I feel.

This.Just.Sucks

Here is a new family picture - don't let the smiles fool you. I am really dying inside.

I just forgot I used to be pregnant

I forgot I was pregnant a few weeks back - it was just for a second, but I totally forgot.

I have a business trip in a few weeks. I am the coordinator of this trip so I speak to the travel agent a lot.

When I booked my trip, I asked for a seat close to the bathrooms. I figured I would want to be as close as possible so that if I needed to throw up it would be a close walk.

So, most of our conversations are through e-mail.

But, today I had to call her. We take care of what I needed and she says, "oh by the way, how are you feeling?"

I replied, "what do you mean? - How do I feel about the trip" Of course she says, "no, silly - your pregnancy"

I totally forgot. It was for a second, but I seriously had no idea what she was asking me.

So, I had to tell her about the m/c and then there was the silence.

I guess have a seat in the near the bathroom will still be good, at least I will be able to see if it is available.

Genetic Results from the D&C

XP from my other blog

We had the tissues tested after the D&C. I really wanted to find out if it was a just a fluke of nature. I also knew there was a possiblility that they would not be able to determine the cause though.

So, I met with the doctor today and he said the miscarriage was due to Trisomy 22 (complete). Although rare, it is the second highest chromosone reason for miscarriage. He also said that this in deed was a fluke of nature and the chance of it happening again is less than 1%

Here is a site I found using a Google Search (however, most of what I found seem to be just a C&P from other sites)

http://www.nt.net/~a815/fullt22.htm

I know this is going to sound STRANGE - but, I was actually HAPPY that they found something. Of course I would never WANT this to happen, and I am of course sad that it DID happen. But knowing that it was just a fluke of nature thing really makes me feel better about any other pregnancy in the future.

Plus it make me feel like it was not something I did that caused my m/c (drinking in the 2ww, painting, lifting a semi-heavy box, etc)

The doctor also said that he knew the sex - but I decided I did not want to know.

So, it feels good to have an answer.

Follow-up Appointment and beta level

Cross-posted from my other blog.

I met with my RE today as a mini-consult after my m/c. We talked about the possible reasons why I m/c. But, he also said that we may never know - which I am fine with.

We also talked about our next course of action. Since I will be traveling from April 25 - May 5 and then again May 14-18, it is possible that we may miss an IUI window.

So, I flat out asked him about doing Clomid on my own with timed intercourse (TI). Since there is the possibility that I would have no monitoring during the begining of the cycle I was not sure what he would say.

He said "OK"!!! He also said that I should come into the office as much as I can either before my first trip or in between the two trips. He also said that it was safe to do the Clomid and TI withoout monitoring for one cycle. Of course he does not recommend more than one cycle without monitoring. I agree with this.

He also gave me an Rx for Progesterone. My levels were over 10 at each beta - which is the minimum that they like to see. But, my levels were 11, 12, 14, etc - so not much higher than 10. Since progesterone will not hurt a pregnancy, he said might as well take it.

So, here is the plan if we are unable to do the IUI because of the timing issues:

+ wait until my first period after the D&C
+ take Clomid on days 5-9 + Start OPKs on day 10
+ TI when OPK is positive
+ Progesterone starting 3 days after the positive OPK - take until told to stop

I am so glad that he said OK to the clomid - because I was thinking about taking it anyway.

I also asked him about this "cycle". I asked him if it would be safe if I got pregnant again before I got a period after the D&C. He said it was perfectly safe and the only reason why they say to wait until you get a period after the D&C is for dating reasons. If I get pregnant before I get an actual period, they would not have a "last period" to base your due dates on. He said in that case, they would just wait until the betas are at a certain level and then do an u/s. The u/s would date the pregnancy and then your "last period" would just be calcualted for you. This date is not important in the RE world, only in the OB world.

So, I am hoping that I will be able to get pregnant before I actually get my post-D&C period, or maybe even with the clomid alone.

I know that these methods have not worked for me in the past - but I am trying to stay hopeful.

ALSO - just got my beta level back. It is only 57!!!!! That is a drop of over 800 points in one week. I never thought I would be excited to have a dropping beta. My beta was never that low. Even at 16dpiui it was in the 300s.

April Fools

I really am trying not to dwell. I know it helps people, but for me I do not want to know that it has been XX weeks and XX days since my m/c. I also don't want to remember how far along I would have been on a certain date.

The only way I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy was a ticker that I had. It showed how many weeks and days I was pregnant. I have since deleted it so I really have no idea how far along I should be.

But, today is the last day of the month - so I flipped my calendar to April and there it was.

"April 1 - SOGA @7:30 AM"

I was going to have my first OB appointment on April 1st, April Fool's Day. I would love to go to the drs and have them say "April Fools! you are still pregnant" Obviously I know this will not happen.

I cancelled the appointment of course. But, I guess I forgot that I put it on the calendar.

I am doing better - really I am. But, still sad at times. I know I have the strength to be happy once again.

Beta is still high

I am 6 days post D&C. I went in to day to do a beta test (amount of pregnancy hormone in your system).

I know that it could take some time for the beta to go down to zero after a m/c - so I was not really expecting a level of zero or anything.

But, my beta is 862. I know that is not a "high" beta considering that my betas were much higher than that at 5 weeks.

But, 862 is REALLY far from zero. The dr said that with that number it should take about 3 weeks for the beta to go to zero.

Lucky me.

I thought you would be OK by now.

I am not really a fan of forwarded e-mails. Unless it is something that is so "I laughed so hard it made me pee my pants" funny.

So, today I get an e-mail that went something like this: A baby was going to be born tomorrow and was asking God all these questions. God answered all questions with 'your angel will be there'. The baby asks 'how will I know my angel' - God replies "you will call her 'mom' "

Ugh - thanks for thinking of me when you selected me to send this forward to. It really makes me feel so much better.

So, I responded to the e-mail in a short message that said, "this is a really bad time for me to get forwards like this. Can you not send these to me?"

I get an e-mail back that says "oh -sorry, I thought you would be OK by now"

I lost the baby a week ago. Apparently that is enough time to "get over" it.

I know other people do not understand the emotional hell that I am in right now. But come on, it was only a week ago. Common sense people, common sense.

No, I am not OK

I would never have thought that a miscarriage and then a D&C would be one of the worst moments of my life. Sure, I knew people were sad after a m/c and thought for sure that if it ever happen to me I would be sad also.

But, nothing has prepared me for the extreme amount of emotional pain that I am in right now.

Last year, my sister suffered a miscarriage, I was upset for her (of course), but if I would have known that she felt anything like I feel - then I would have reached out more for her. I would have asked more if she was OK. I would not have believed her when she said she was fine.

The past few days have been horrible for me. The littlest thing makes me so upset. We were suposed to share our good news on Easter. Instead, at church I was constantly reminded that "he" died on Friday. I know the pastor is talking about Jesus, but I hear "my baby died on Friday" (the day of my D&C).

I have to go back to work today - physically I am fine. No pain and no bleeding from the D&C. But, I am in the worst emotional pain that I have ever felt.

I know time heals all wounds, but this wound will forever bleed.

Since my other blog was created as a pregnancy blog, all future updates will be on this blog. I hope in the near future I can start another pregnancy blog.

Here is the link to my other blog.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts/prayers.

I was keeping a secret

About a month ago we found out that my first IUI was a success. Sadly, our baby lost it's heartbeat. We found out yesterday that at 8 weeks pregnant, our baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and although we saw a heartbeat last week, that had faded as well.

We have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow.