Friday, October 31, 2008

One of my favorite posts

Colin will turn 14 years old tomorrow. I can't believe where the time has gone. We will be doing birthday stuff all day, so I wanted to share one of my favorites blog posts, in honor of Colin's birthday.

My First Roomate:
I got this roomate when I was a junior in college. The request was very unexpected, but I could never turn him away. I knew him for 9 months before he was my roomate. In those 9 months, I felt like I knew him. I created a bond with him that I knew would last a lifetime. We would listen to music together and we would talk about his future. He really made me think about my own future as well.

He was a very short man, kind of funny looking. But, the second I saw him I thought he was the cutest. From the moment I met him, I knew we would be lifelong friends. I always hoped he would feel the same.

When he first moved in, it was quite the adjustment. I am still not sure how I managed it. Living with him was nothing like I ever expected. I had to constantly clean up his crap, he would be up in all my business, and I had to do all the cooking and cleaning. I put up with it though. In fact, I kind of liked it.

We lived together for a while and then all of a sudden, he started talking back to me. And, most of the time it was just jibberish, I could not even understand what he was saying. We would talk but I was never even sure he understood me. We had our ups and downs, but our relationship grew over the years.

In no time, all of his stuff was all over the place. It was like he owned the place. In every corner of every room were his "toys". I must admit, I bought some of these things, I knew he just "had to have them". I guess in a way, I thought the more I gave him, the more he would give to me - love that is, not gifts.

It did not take long before I was in total love with him. I always knew that we would have a life-long friendship. In my eyes, he could do no wrong.

Over the next few years, he became more and more dependent on me. I had to drive him everywhere, as he does not have a license. I also had to buy everything for him, he did not have a job. I had to cook for him, he was not mature enough to do it himself. I had to pick out his clothes, he had NO fashion sense. I loved him anyway. More and more each day. And I realized how lucky I was that I did not have him to live somewhere else.

We were always together, then things changed. He started hanging out with his buddies...all the time. It seemed like he was never home. I really missed my guy and always thought about the time we shared just the two of us. I knew he was maturing and didn't want to hang around with "just some girl". So, I let him go and did not complain much, I mean, he was free to do what he wanted. I loved him anyway.

When I met my husband, my roomate was so great to him. They hung out all the time and soon became buddies. I loved seeing them hang out together. What could be better than my two favorite guys together. My husband (then boyfriend) never even questioned the fact that I had a roomate. He knew we shared a special bond. One he knew he could never break. He knew a lot of times when we would hang out, my roomate would be along for the ride. He embraced the chance to get to know him even better.

Soon, my roomate figured out that I would marry my husband and he welcomed him with open arms. I knew that not only would I be his longtime friend, but my husband would be his friend for life as well.

We got married and my roomate stood right by my side. I needed him there. In fact, he walked me down the aisle!

My new husband never questioned bringing my roomate into our new married home. He would not have it any other way. Now, the three of us live as a family.

My first roomate: my son, Colin. Happy Birthday.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

First Due Date

Today would have been my first due date. I am OK, still stings, but I am moving forward.

What is really sad is the fact that I couldn't remember due date #3. I keep track of all of my medical expenses and had to look at that to figure out when my IUI was. I then used that date on an on-line calculator.

I also think it is ironic, because today I started my post m/c period. I was thrilled, because the last two times, I had to wait 6 long weeks to get my period. BUt, I still think it is kind of weird timing.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Adoption Applications have been submitted

The adoption application will be given to my neighbor this evening. We will be able to start the training class next Monday!

1st step in the right direction.

I wrote more details on my Adoption Blog.

Application will be completed TODAY

My nieghbor FINALLY left the application for me - but only half of it is the correct forms. She must have accidently gave me the package for "family/relative" care instead of the general one.

But, the application is a general one, and the other forms are general as well. There is just one form that is incorrect. And, that form is more of a read and sign type of thing. The actual application is the only thing that needs to be submitted prior to the training. The other stuff can be completed after. We will be submitting everything we can tonight (apps, financial statement, fingerprint request, background check release, etc).

The main application was very standard stuff such as: name, address, all addresses in the last 5 years, ss#, employment info, doctors names, school names for all children, # bedrooms, if there are smokers in the house, type of service (adopt, foster, etc), references (needed 3: a neighbor, a non-relative that you have known for at least 5 years, non-relative known for any amount of time - good thing I know a neighbor), and convictions. The finacials asked for basic info: net pay, mortage payments or rent, ulitities, food, household expenses, car payments, taxes, etc.

We will be starting training classes next Monday!!! The classes are 3 hours each and there are 9 classes, for a total of 27 hours.

So, this is a step in the right direction :)

Application will be completed TODAY

My nieghbor FINALLY left the application for me - but only half of it is the correct forms. She must have accidently gave me the package for "family/relative" care instead of the general one.

But, the application is a general one, and the other forms are general as well. There is just one form that is incorrect. And, that form is more of a read and sign type of thing. The actual application is the only thing that needs to be submitted prior to the training. The other stuff can be completed after. We will be submitting everything we can tonight (apps, financial statement, fingerprint request, background check release, etc).

The main application was very standard stuff such as: name, address, all addresses in the last 5 years, ss#, employment info, doctors names, school names for all children, # bedrooms, if there are smokers in the house, type of service (adopt, foster, etc), references (needed 3: a neighbor, a non-relative that you have known for at least 5 years, non-relative known for any amount of time - good thing I know a neighbor), and convictions. The finacials asked for basic info: net pay, mortage payments or rent, ulitities, food, household expenses, car payments, taxes, etc.

We will be starting training classes next Monday!!! The classes are 3 hours each and there are 9 classes, for a total of 27 hours.

So, this is a step in the right direction :)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why Fost/Adopt through the state?

A few people have asked why we chose to adopt through the foster care system. I responded on a message board, but since it is a great question, I thought it would make a great blog post as well.

Why are we using Fost/Adopt to build our family?

There are a few reasons, most of them selfish I guess.

1 - Our only medical option is PGD, and even though our insurance will cover IVF, they only cover $2000 for PGD and don't cover other things at all- that would leave us with almost $6000 for us to pay for the cycle. This of course includes all the expenses for the cycle, not just the pgd (meds, office visits, anesthesiologist, pgd, freezing, etc). Well, we live on a modest income and do not have $6000 just floating around.

We may still do IVF, and just beg, borrow, and borrow some more to pay for this.

That said, if we do not have an extra $6K for IVF, we would never be able find the money (or afford the monthly payments) to pay for a domestic or international adoption.

2 - My neighbor works for the Dept of Child. Svcs. I spoke to her a while ago and she said that currently there are not enough families in my county to fill the need for the number of children. They currently have to go outside the county to find families. That said, it is possible that my wait time is very short. She told me that we could have child(ren) in our house in 4-6 months.

We are open to 0-5 and a sibling group of 2 - this may cut our wait time as well.

I also know that so far she has been a great resource for information, I can't imagine that it would stop.

3 - I am afraid of the domestic adoption process. Even though I think we are "good people" I am totally scared of never getting picked.

And the main reason (totally not rational at ALL) is that I was a teenage mom, I was a single mom from the day I found out I was pregnant and raised my son by myself until I got married when he was 11 years old (he will be 14 next week).

It was very hard, and most times we barely made ends meet. But, I raised a great kid. I guess to some, that would make me a good candiate for someone to "pick" us. But I am totally afraid that pregnant women will not pick us because in someway they will think that I think I am better than her - because I DID NOT give up my son and did whatever I needed to do to raise him. I think what they are doing is a great thing, I just could never do it myself.

Obviously through the foster care system, parents do not get to choose the adoptive parents.

4 - growing up, my neighbor had lots and lots of foster kids. Some became adopted at some point. So, I guess all of my life that is what I know as the adoption process. Of course I always knew about domestic and international adoption. But, through the "system" never really seemed like a big deal to me.

I guess since I have experience with others using Fost or Adopt though the state, it never occured to me to use other options for adoption. We always knew fost/adopt through our state would be our first choice. Then of course after hearing how much it costs to use other methods of adoption, it totally sealed the deal for us. Even if we had the money, I don't know for sure if we would choose a different path.

I guess what I am saying is that I have a real expectation of the types of children in foster care. And I know the right children are there, just waiting for us.

Why Fost/Adopt through the state?

A few people have asked why we chose to adopt through the foster care system. I responded on a message board, but since it is a great question, I thought it would make a great blog post as well.

Why are we using Fost/Adopt to build our family?

There are a few reasons, most of them selfish I guess.

1 - Our only medical option is PGD, and even though our insurance will cover IVF, they only cover $2000 for PGD and don't cover other things at all- that would leave us with almost $6000 for us to pay for the cycle. This of course includes all the expenses for the cycle, not just the pgd (meds, office visits, anesthesiologist, pgd, freezing, etc). Well, we live on a modest income and do not have $6000 just floating around.

We may still do IVF, and just beg, borrow, and borrow some more to pay for this.

That said, if we do not have an extra $6K for IVF, we would never be able find the money (or afford the monthly payments) to pay for a domestic or international adoption.

2 - My neighbor works for the Dept of Child. Svcs. I spoke to her a while ago and she said that currently there are not enough families in my county to fill the need for the number of children. They currently have to go outside the county to find families. That said, it is possible that my wait time is very short. She told me that we could have child(ren) in our house in 4-6 months.

We are open to 0-5 and a sibling group of 2 - this may cut our wait time as well.

I also know that so far she has been a great resource for information, I can't imagine that it would stop.

3 - I am afraid of the domestic adoption process. Even though I think we are "good people" I am totally scared of never getting picked.

And the main reason (totally not rational at ALL) is that I was a teenage mom, I was a single mom from the day I found out I was pregnant and raised my son by myself until I got married when he was 11 years old (he will be 14 next week).

It was very hard, and most times we barely made ends meet. But, I raised a great kid. I guess to some, that would make me a good candiate for someone to "pick" us. But I am totally afraid that pregnant women will not pick us because in someway they will think that I think I am better than her - because I DID NOT give up my son and did whatever I needed to do to raise him. I think what they are doing is a great thing, I just could never do it myself.

Obviously through the foster care system, parents do not get to choose the adoptive parents.

4 - growing up, my neighbor had lots and lots of foster kids. Some became adopted at some point. So, I guess all of my life that is what I know as the adoption process. Of course I always knew about domestic and international adoption. But, through the "system" never really seemed like a big deal to me.

I guess since I have experience with others using Fost or Adopt though the state, it never occured to me to use other options for adoption. We always knew fost/adopt through our state would be our first choice. Then of course after hearing how much it costs to use other methods of adoption, it totally sealed the deal for us. Even if we had the money, I don't know for sure if we would choose a different path.

I guess what I am saying is that I have a real expectation of the types of children in foster care. And I know the right children are there, just waiting for us.

Friday, October 24, 2008

We told my son about adopting

We had a great family conversation over dinner. We told him that we would be building our family through adoption. He had lots and lots of questions, but overall I think he is excited about it.

I tried to answers his questions as best as possible - and I was impressed about what kinds of questions.

He did not ask things like boy or girl, how old, etc. He asked very grown up questions: Like: will they have visits with their parents? - How long is the process? - Can I go to the classes also, it will help me better understand these children. - What kinds of children are in the "system"?

And my favorite - "What can I do to help"

He is really turning into a fine young man.

"knowing someone" is not always a good thing

My neighbor works for the Dept of C.hildren's S.ervices in my state. She has been great about answering my questions about the process.

I originally spoke to her on Oct 8th to get basic information. We talked for a while. At the end of our conversation, she said that she would bring home a application and leave it in my mailbox.

I was thinking, "great, we will get the process started soon"

Fast forward to this past Sunday (Oct 19th), she still has not left anything. I have to admit, I was trying to make my presence known - on Sunday, I saw that she was raking leaves, so I went to get something from my car and started chatting about random things.

She mentions that she has not forgotten about the app, it has just been hectic at work. She then tells me that there is a training class (required) that is starting on Nov 3rd and that she could probably get me into that class if my apps are completed before the end of the month.

She reminds me that she will give me the apps asap. If we do not do this training class, we either have to wait 3-4 months for the next class in my area, or travel to another county for the classes.

So, here is it - Oct 24, and she still has not left the application. I would call myself, but I know what her to feel that I went around her back. But, the end of the month is next week and we are running out of time.

So frustrating!

"knowing someone" is not always a good thing

My neighbor works for the Dept of C.hildren's S.ervices in my state. She has been great about answering my questions about the process.

I originally spoke to her on Oct 8th to get basic information. We talked for a while. At the end of our conversation, she said that she would bring home a application and leave it in my mailbox.

I was thinking, "great, we will get the process started soon"

Fast forward to this past Sunday (Oct 19th), she still has not left anything. I have to admit, I was trying to make my presence known - on Sunday, I saw that she was raking leaves, so I went to get something from my car and started chatting about random things.

She mentions that she has not forgotten about the app, it has just been hectic at work. She then tells me that there is a training class (required) that is starting on Nov 3rd and that she could probably get me into that class if my apps are completed before the end of the month.

She reminds me that she will give me the apps asap. If we do not do this training class, we either have to wait 3-4 months for the next class in my area, or travel to another county for the classes.

So, here is it - Oct 24, and she still has not left the application. I would call myself, but I know what her to feel that I went around her back. But, the end of the month is next week and we are running out of time.

So frustrating!

Monday, October 20, 2008

What is "Punky Power"

Punky Brewster was a sitcom in the 80's that dealt with adoption through the foster care system.

Penelope "Punky" Brewster is a warm, funny and bright girl. Her father walked out on her family, then her mother abandoned her at a shopping center, leaving Punky alone with her only companion, her faithful dog.

Afterwards, Punky discovered a vacant apartment in a local building. The building was managed by photographer Henry Warnimont, an old and grumpy widower. Once Henry discovers Punky in the empty apartment across from his, he hears her story and he takes her in.

The relationship between the two blossoms, despite red tape from social workers, who ultimately rally to Henry's side. In the end, Henry officially adopts Punky.

After a while, Punky determined that intelligence, common sense and a strong will can get one out of any problem - she called it Punky Power.

So, I thought it was fitting that this new blog is called Punky Powers as we will also be building our family with adoption through the foster care system.

We are ADOPTING!!!

A few posts ago, I blogged that we thought we made a decision regarding adoption. But, still at the time it was still a maybe.

Well, that maybe has turned into a full and total YES!!!!!

We will be adopting from the foster care system in our state. As I said before, my neighbor works for the Dept of Children Services and was able to really answer lots of my questions.

We spoke to her last week about everything and anything regarding adoption. When we spoke, she said she would leave me an app that week. Nothing happened, I just assumed she was busy (she was). I saw her yesterday and we started chatting again about random things (not adoption). She then told me that she did not forget about me and will be getting the apps to me this week. She then said that there is a training class (required) that is starting on Nov 3rd. And she could put us in that class if we had our apps in before the end of the month. Last time we spoke, I told her we were not sure if we were going to do it right away or wait.

They only offer the class 3-4 times a year. If we did not do it now, we would either have to wait a few months for training, or go to another county.

I went inside and spoke to my husband about the classes and he said, "well, let's do it now then"

I went back and told my neighbor that we are ready. She promised that she would give me an app this week.

We can start training before we are an approved family - but the app needs to be at least submitted before the training.

What is great is that we can do our home evaluation, references, fingerprinting, background checks, medical stuff, etc all at the same time as classes.

The classes are requied (and a good idea) and last 9 weeks.

Once approved, it is possible that it would be quick. Right now, my area does not have enough families for the children in the area. They have to usually go to another county and ask families from other areas to take children.

So, there is a definate need in my area - which of course does work in our favor.

Of course being a little more open to the type of child (age, sex, etc) will make the process quicker. We are also open to a sibling group, which sometimes makes it quicker.

At this point, we will accept a child from 0-5 yrs old, boy or girl, or a silbing group of 2. I know there are other children out there that do not fall into the above, but those I listed are a better fit for our family.

According to my neighbor, it is totally possible that we have a child(ren) in 4-6 months, maybe less!!!!!

We are not totally giving up on IVF w/PGD, but like everyone knows, this does not guarantee a pregnancy and does not guarantee that I will not have yet another m/c.

Plus, it is a lot more expensive than any other treatments that we have done to date, money that we do not have.

We are not totally saying we are not EVER going to do ivf, but right now and this second, that answer is "maybe, maybe not"

I have started a new blog - it is totally blank right now. It will detail the process and everything we go through to make our family complete. It is going to be:

Punky Powers - I need all the powers I can get :)

Friday, October 17, 2008

My first due date

My first due date is Oct 29th. After my first loss, I thought FOR SURE my due date would really not bother me too much because I was sure I would be pregnant again.

Well, I was pregnant again, and again. That does not mean that I am pregnant on my due date.

I would be on matenity leave right now, the nursery woud be set up, Colin would be preparing for a sibling.

The family would be full of anticipation, filled with excitement.

I am sure that Colin would be wondering if the baby would be born of his birthday.

My shower would have happened months ago and I am sure by now I would have organized everything nice.

The spare room (AKA baby's room) would be cleared out and decorated for a baby. I refuse to clear out the room. An empty room is just too hard to look at every day.

My sister announced she was pregnant on the same day I did. She was about 4 weeks behind me. I am sure we would be looking foward to having cousins so close in age.

My belly would be big and round, and I am sure I would be very uncomfortable right now. Trust me, I would take all the uncomfortablness in the world if that meant I got to bring a child into our family.

What will I feel as my other dates come and go.

October 29, March 3, May 28

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance" Day. Please light a candle to remember all lost babies.















Monday, October 13, 2008

Fall Pics of Colin

Fall Pics of Colin

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My SIL got married yesterday

My SIL got married yesterday. She really had great weather and the fall leaves really look great in the pictures. I followed them to the park, mainly to keep my husband company, but took some great pics (in my opinion of course). I do not pretend to be a great photographer, but some of these came out great. I took 139 pictures - a lot that the photographer did not. i played around with the Black/White and sepia too.


Enjoy!















Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Um, did we just make a decision?

Wait a sec, did we just make a decision?

So, I got up the nerve to talk to my neighbor - she does indeed work for DYFS (I was not 100% sure) and she knew everything about Foster / Adoption.

I went across the street and told her about trying for 2 years, 3 losses, yada yada yada, and then said that we were considering adoption as one of our options.

OK - backtrack to last night -
My husband and I had a great chat last night. We talked about our options (adoption and/or IVF with PGD), talked about the costs, talked about feelings, talked about what we want in the end, talked about types of children, how many children, talked and talked and talked.

We really are on the same page with regards to adoption, he said that he really wants to be a father for so many reasons, and not one of them is specifically is about blood. What a relief, because the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. It is most important to be a mom and dad to a child, that does not mean that it has to be a biological child.

We also talked about the IVF, we are still BOTH on the fence about that one. I know there are no guarantees in life and especially not in IF, but it is a lot of money to spend, money that we don't really have. He of course joked that we just wouldn't pay our property taxes for 3/4 of the year and it should be fine. Yeah, OK.

We decided that even if we did do IVF, we would do adoption at the same time. This way we could do all the things needed (homestudy, checks, paperwork, etc, etc, etc) while we were doing the IVF cycle, and if things did not work out, then we would be ahead of the game. And if things did work out, then it would be a double blessing.

- Enough of back-track story -

Ok, so I talk to my neighbor. She gives me lots and lots of info. She tells me that we would be good candidates because we are a 2 parent family, already raised a child, good family, location, etc, etc. That was a nice bonus to hear.

She was able to give me lots of info about the types of kids, how to increase our chances of placement (accepting either gender, siblings, etc), talked about the process, timeframe, etc.

It was a great chat. She said that she will gather lots of info tomorrow and leave it for me. She also reminded me that I should put her name as a reference. Not that it would give us preferential treatment, but it may possibly speed up the process. It totally works in my favor, because she said when it does become time to place a child, she already has a personal relationship with me and would probably already know if it would be a good placement.

We talked for about a half hour and I really feel like I was able to get so much info.

When my husband came home and we talked about my conversation, he seemed really impressed with the information and said, "It is a great starting point"

Um, did we just make a decision? Is this our path to parenthood?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Follow up, but still no answers (LONG)

I am back from my follow-up, but that does not mean that I have any answers.

The short story - RE suggests IVF with PGD. PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis

The long story:
The RE does not have an answer why I have had 3 losses. At this point, any pregnancy (on our own or IUI) has a 30% chance of m/c. 30%! That is high. This is strictly based on my history, most women have a 15% of m/c in any given pregnancy, so my odds are double that. At this point, he thinks there is a strong possibility that it is embryo quality.

Embryo quality - must be FSH, right? Nope. I asked about my FSH for the past 4 cycles - he said they were all between 4 and 5. These numbers are awesome for those that don't know. If I was creeping close to 10, then maybe that was a problem.

Embryo quality - could be age, right? At 34 (and normal hormone levels through-out), my RE thinks this is BS.

Embryo quality - well, could just be crappy eggs. The only way to know is PGD.

The RE explained the whole IVF PGD process to me and also advised that it might be better to wait until the new year (our plan anyway). Now, my clinic has hours every single day of the year - except Christmas. But, even though they have hours, the genetic lab where they have to send my embryos does not work every day. In fact, it might be possible that I go all the way to retrieval and everyone at the genetics lab in on vacation for the holidays.

He basically said that unless we start the IVF process with the next cycle, then we might be caught in a bind. He also said that he tells all his patients the same thing, not just me.

If we do IVF, we would be waiting until Jan at the earliest anyway. At least that is one less thing to stress out about.

He wanted to stress to me that I have to be prepared for good and bad news with PGD. Well, what does that mean. Basically, I might be given info that SUCKS. For example, let's use 15 eggs at retrieval day.

If 15 eggs are mature and make 15 embryos, it is possible that 14 are abnormal and only one is good. In that case, it seems worth it that we did the PGD, because we would only be putting back the perfect one. Sounds like a good thing, right. Not really.

What about the other 14? That is not good news. In math terms, it would mean that 93% of the embryos were bad. And that in general I have crappy eggs. Of course they would still transfer the perfect one and hope for the best. But, to me, that means not doing IVF again after that.

The main reason why my RE is saying the PGD will be the best is the fact that at least one of my m/c was due to chromosome issues (trisomy 22). One was inconclusive and one there was no testing done. We had the RPL panel done and the only thing that came back is MTHFR - will go into that later. Also, both my husband and I kryotyping done. I am not 100% sure what this is, but I know it is something to do with chromosomes. We were both 100% perfect. We never had his actual sperm tested for anything other than the SA, which came back great. All IUI numbers have been great as well.

I could also go into IVF w/ PGD and come out with 15 perfect embryos. Obviously, we would not transfer 15, but then we would have some for possible freezing. The RE also reminded me that even transferring perfect embryo(s) does not guarantee a pregnancy or a successful pregnancy.

In the case of a non-successful pregnancy after IVF, there can still be unexplained reasons for the loss. I did ask about the MTHFR and the low progesterone. He assured me that 1)prometrium supp taken vaginally do not appear in blood; and 2) I don't have the MTHFR that is the blood clotting version. All of my homocysteine levels have been way under the "normal" range. This means that heparin or lovenex is not the answer.

The RE also reminded me that sometimes with PGD, the embryo gets a little damaged, and sometimes this damage prevents proper implantation. So it is like a catch 22. you do the PGD to get the best embryos, but doing that there is a slight chance that perfect or not, it will not implant. The chance is slight though.

Another major obstacle is the cost.

TRUST ME - I am grateful that insurance is paying for a lot of my treatments. I know there are couples out there that are paying for everything out of pocket. I know that what I have to pay out is pennies compared to what other have already paid. However, the cost is still there. And, it is going to be a lot of money - even with insurance. So, please do not think I am complaining about the cost - but this is something we will have to save for and budget for. And yes - I do know that without insurance, IVF would not even be a possibility as it would cost about $16,000 (or more). I am VERY grateful for the opportunity to live in a state mandate state and have great insurance.

I found out the PGD is covered by insurance - kind of. The cost of the biopsy (through my clinic) is covered. But, the transportation to the genetics lab is not. Plus the genetics lab does not take any insurance payments. Yes, there is a possibility that I can submit the paid invoice to the insurance company and might be reimbursed - especially since they said that the PGD was covered.

So, here are the costs that I will have to pay:

$40 - CD3 office visit - insurance co-pay
$200 - Injectable meds (follistim, cetrotide, menopur, ovidrel) - insurance co-pays
$160 - 4 additional office visits before retreival (I am guessing) - insurance co-pays
$500 - anesthesiologist (retrieval)- does not take insurance - may be able to get reimbursed
$500 - Embryo Transportation fee to the Genetics Lab - insurance does not cover
$2800 - PGD for 12 chromosomes (Aneuploidy screening)
$40 - transfer of embryos - insurance co-pay
$1150 - Embryo freezing and one year storage - insurance does not cover
$20 - Folgard Rx - Insurance Co-Pay
$40 - Prometrium Rx - Insurance Co-Pay
$40 - Progesterone check - office visit - Insurance co-pay
_____
$5490 - Total

Of that total - it is possible that we might be able to be reimbursed $3300. And if we decided not to freeze any embryos, that would reduce the total by $1150 as well. But, if you think about it - if we did not freeze any, and decided to do IVF again, then we would have to pay for the PGD again. I guess if we went through that whole pgd process, it would be stupid not to freeze the good ones.

This amount does not include any pregnancy office visits if we were so lucky to get pregnant.

That is a lot of money - money that we really do not have.

I am going to be talking to my husband tonight - so he can basically see all the numbers himself.

So, now we have to decide if IVF is something we want to do. We might possibly seeks other options (adoption) at the same time as other medical treatments - who knows.

So, if you made it this far, thanks for reading :)

Oh - and as a PS - I totally forgot to ask the RE is he could Rx something to help me sleep - even though I totally wrote it down.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Finally doing a follow-up appt.

When the doc called and told me about m/c#3, well I just about lost it on the phone. I felt really bad that I was crying on the phone with the doctor. I am sure it really made him uncomfortable. In that conversation, he told me that he (and the whole clinic) is there if we need to just talk, talk about additional treatments, talk about m/c#3, etc.

I was in such a rush to get him off the phone that I just did not want to hear anything from him. I am at a point that I am all cried out - but I am still extremely upset about it. I am still not sleeping well, and everyday I tell my husband, "maybe tomorrow I will go to the doc". Everyday I don't.

I am not sleeping when I should and then because I am exhausted, I am sleeping when I shouldn't. Honestly, I don't even know if he can Rx something for me, but I need to talk to him anyway.

It has been almost 2 weeks since we found out, and I still don't have any answers. I do know that more likely than not, there still will be no answers.

But, the main thing I want to hear is what is the likelihood that I will m/c again. I know that no medical procedure can guarantee a successful pregnancy, but if the odds are against me no matter what, I am not sure if we will continue with medical interventions (aka ivf). I don't want to do ivf, pgd, etc if I have a big chance of going through this torture again and again.

I did call this morning, and I will be going in tomorrow to talk to my main doc. Maybe if nothing else, he could tell me the name of a therapist or someone that I could talk to about all this crap.

I think I have been putting off calling him because I am seriously afraid of what he will tell me. Is is going to tell me that I might now be able to bear children? Will he tell me that I have crappy eggs? Will he tell me to just give up (OK, that one might not be one of them)?

I am also going to ask for my b/w levels. My clinic does not advise of b/w results unless there is a problem with the results. so, for example, I have no idea what my FSH levels are - but I will know tomorrow. I know sometimes knowledge is a bad thing - you know I will come straight home and look on the Internet for the "normals" of these levels. But, sometimes you have to be an advocate for yourself.

I am also planning on asking about the MTHFR, so many people asked why I was not on a blood thinner - I am only on the folgard.

I guess I should start a list of these questions, this way I do not forget or get side-tracked. I will post the details after the appointment.

Friday, October 3, 2008

What does "On a Break" really mean

Ok - when we were in limbo with this last pregnancy, my husband and I agreed that if it did not last (it didn't) that we were going on a break. He really hated seeing me so happy and then so so sad. I agree. It is really hard to deal with the fact that I have had 3 m/c in 6 months.

It is actually 6 months and 3 days for those that are keeping track.

Anyway, what does that really mean? Of course the obvious is no medical treatment. If we do more medical treatment, it won't be for a few months. Maybe the new year. Of course, we could change our mind and decide that one month is long enough. Right now that does not seem like it will happen. I really need some time to just be Amy, not Amy who goes to the doc every other day.

But, what else does it mean? Does it mean that it is not something I think about every second of every day - I guess not. Because in reality, I will think about it every day. Was that my last shot of being pregnant? Should we even do more advanced medical treatment? Should we consider alternative options?

Does it mean that I can actually "relax" - not really. In the back of my mind I will be thinking, "heck, maybe if I DO relax, maybe I will have a break BFP?"

I still think about timing, even though timing sex perfectly has never worked before. Maybe this time it will - yeah right. Oh, and ironically, the wedding next weekend will be 2 weeks to the day that I started my "period" after we found out about m/c #3. Of course I know it is not a real period, but that is technically when the cycle would have started if I thought it was just a late period (a week late).

So, even though I am on a break, I still count the days. Of course I assume "normal" timed cycles, which without meds I do not have. But, when we were on our break last year, I did get some normalish cycles. Maybe I will be that lucky again.

I guess for some, a break means not thinking about a thing. Just letting whatever happens happens. Not counting days, not stressing over ovulation, etc.

I guess that is just not me.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bringing sexy back.....NOT

So, I really needed to boost my spirits because I have been down in the dumps for a long time now (obviously).

We have an out-of-town wedding next weekend. I thought I would buy some sexy lingerie, that should boost my spirits - and I am sure the "spirit" of my husband.

Now - you have to know that I am not your run of the mill Victoria Secrect (VS) size person. While I wish I could just go to VS and just buy something - lord knows that is not really possible. Seriously, I totally envy the gal that can go into any store - you know ANY store - and just buy something off the rack. Possibily without even trying it on. Not me.

I am VERY big in the upper area - all my bras are custom ordered through a speciality lingerie shop. So, it is not like I can just go into any store and find something I like.

I decided to go to my trusty friend, you know, Google. I type in my zip code and lingerie. Got a couple of hits too. One even said that they have in stock all sizes from petite to plus. JACKPOT!

I live in Tim-Buck-To, NJ so I know every place will be a drive. I pick two that are about an hour away. I google the directions and I am off.

The first place is 46 miles from my house, I follow the directions to a tee. The last set of directions brings me to a wearhouise section. Basically all loading docs, etc. I look for the address and it is NOT a lingerie store. OK, maybe I should have called.

The second one is on my way home. Um....I guess I just have some bad luck. Store is closed. And not closed for the day closed, closed as in not in business closed.

There is a woman having a cig outside the store adjacent to the lingerie store. She tells me they have been out of business for a while. I guess I say under my breath (but out loud), I just drove 70 miles for nothing.

She invites me into her store (Real Estate Co) and she draws me a map and tells me other places where I might have some luck. OMG - how super nice is that.

I took her advice and found a really cute somewhat sexy piece at L.ane B.ryant. I looked on-line to see if there was a picture, but it is not on the website.

Lingerie is really a treat for me and my husband of course. I hardly ever wear it. But, I figured we really need some sexy time and not sex only for baby making time. We are staying at a hotel - so I thought that would be the perfect time to bring sexy back.
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